Fri | Sep 21, 2018

My husband is a flirt

Published:Wednesday | January 14, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Q. MY HUSBAND has changed over the last three years. He is a now a big-time flirt. He was not like that when we started dating or during the earlier years of the marriage. If he sees a woman who dresses provocatively, it is as though he cannot help himself, even if I am present. I suspect that he is texting suggestive messages to a co-worker and neighbour. He has been going to the gym and he now has a six-pack and has many admirers at the gym and at work. He does gardening in shorts only, and he enjoys the female neighbours staring at him. On weekends, he washes the car to show off his muscles. I work hard and long hours and come home very late, tired and stressed out. And then he expects kinky sex. I am frustrated and want out of this type of marriage. What should I do?

A. It is not every problem in a marriage that should give rise to thoughts about divorce. Divorce should be the last resort. It has to be for irreconcilable differences. You need to remember your marriage vow about "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and health." You need first to talk over the problems with your husband who is a flirt and wants kinky sex. You have the right to state why you are not into kinky sex and have him answer questions why all of a sudden he wants kinky sex. You should also ascertain whether he is sending suggestive texts to a co-worker and neighbour, which is a bad idea and disrespectful to you.

It could be that your husband is going through a mid-life crisis. Perhaps, in a weird way, he is trying to get your attention and wants you to dress a certain way. He is also seeking attention, affirmation and appreciation as a desirable person. Try complimenting him on his six-pack and muscles, and whatever you find attractive about him and see if it helps. Perhaps you need to slow down and go to the gym with him and help with gardening and washing the car. Those activities could help to reduce stress and stop his wandering eyes.


Both of you need a recommitment to your marriage. You both need to be more concerned about the wishes of each other.

The desire for kinky sex could be a wish for variety in sexual intimacy. It could be that sex has become mundane for your husband. Perhaps you need to spend more time with each other and in lovemaking. You should not ignore his flirtations because it could lead to unfaithfulness. In fact, it is distasteful that he is flirting in front of you. You must be wondering what he does behind your back.

You also need to tell your husband that you have a difficult job and you need time to rest.

And if you cannot work out the problems, then get a competent counsellor to offer objective analysis and recommendations to both of you.

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