Mon | Dec 5, 2016

Wa a joke to you a death to me

Published:Sunday | January 18, 2015 | 12:00 AM

CHAKA-CHAKA SPELLING

Wen mi see weh di Kouachi bredder dem gwaan wid a Paris, mi seh to miself mi better seh sorry quick-quick to di whole heap a KC old boy weh bex wid mi all now chruu mi did run lickle joke wid dem inna mi column, 'KC old boys desire male sex'. Dem never waan no woman go a dem big dinner. So mi seh a ongle man dem waan: di male sex.

Wa burn some a di man dem a di next meaning a di headline weh mi did a play wid inna di column. Mi mek it sound like seh dem waan fi sex man. God know, mi never know dem wuda tek it so hard. Mi did tink seh dem must see seh a romp mi a romp wid dem. How mi kuda tink seh every Jack man no waan Jill? No must joke mi a mek!

Nuff a di old boy dem never tink it funny at all at all. Dem seh mi a seh dem funny fi true. An dem threaten fi kill mi. See one a di deadly email weh mi get ya: "You are truly a disgusting piece of protoplasm. I hope you spend the rest of yuh life ah look behind you because kc roots run deep in the communities of downtown Kingston and rural Jamaica."

Some a di confident KC old boy dis laugh it off. Dem never bawl out chruu no stone no lik dem. One young old boy weh go a UWI seh to mi, "Miss, I don't know why dem going on like dat. Because is long time dem saying dat bout us. And me don't mek it bodder me." A no dat im seh word fi word. But a dat im mean.

SEX AN RELIGION

It look like seh di old old boy dem tek it harder than di young old boy dem. Mi did hear seh some a dem did a threaten fi sue Gleaner. Dem no sex man an Gleaner a scandalise dem. Mi no waan no KC old boy, young or old, go a Gleaner office go shoot up poor Oliver Clarke an di editor dem sake a mi column.

Put fun an joke aside. Wen mi tink bout it, sex come een like religion. Who yu sex a who yu be. A di said same way people feel seh di god dem worship a who dem be. Dem a Christian, dem a Jew, dem a Muslim, dem a Rasta. Dem religion a dem livity. It a dem nature. Same like how yu sex a yu nature. An eena fi wi Jamaica language, wi all use di word 'nature' fi mean sex life. Like how wi seh lime cut yu nature.

By di way, mi wonder if LIME a go change fi dem sour name when dem married to Flow. Dat deh name never mek no sense. It no sweet wi. A no like eena Trinidad an Tobago weh lime mean party. An wat mi no understand, di company no name LIME down deh. Dem a Cable and Wireless. Anyhow mi ongle hope LIME nah go cut FLOW nature.

Di Charlie Hebdo cartoonist dem shuda did know seh dem no fi tek Prophet Muhammad mek poppyshow. Still for all, dat no mean dem shuda dead fi dat. An mi shuda did know seh mi no fi run joke wid Jamaica man seh dem waan fi sex man. Mi jook dem pon dem nature. An mi sorry. Old-time people seh, "Wa a joke to you a death to me." An a true.

PRAPA-PRAPA SPELIN

Wen mi si we di Kouachi breda dem gwaan wid a Paris, mi se tu miself mi beta se sari kwik-kwik tu di uol iip a KC uol bwai we beks wid mi aal nou chruu mi did ron likl juok wid dem ina mi kalam, 'KC old boys desire male sex'. Dem neva waan no uman go a dem big dina. So mi se a ongl man dem waan: di miel seks.

Wa bon som a di man dem a di neks miinin a di edlain we mi did a plie wid ina di kalam. Mi mek it soun laik se dem waan fi seks man. Gad nuo, mi neva nuo dem wuda tek it so aad. Mi did tingk se dem mos si se a ramp mi a ramp wid dem. Ou mi kuda tingk se evri Jak man no waan Jil? No mos juok mi a mek!

Nof a di uol bwai dem neva tingk it foni at aal at aal. Dem se mi a se dem foni fi chruu. An dem chretn fi kil mi. Si wan a di dedli iimiel we mi get ya: "You are truly a disgusting piece of protoplasm. I hope you spend the rest of yuh life ah look behind you because kc roots run deep in the communities of downtown Kingston and rural Jamaica."

Som a di kanfident KC uol bwai dis laaf it aaf. Dem neva baal out chruu no stuon no lik dem. Wan yong uol bwai we go a UWI se tu mi, "Miss, I don't know why dem going on like dat. Because is long time dem saying dat bout us. And me don't mek it bodder me." A no dat im se wod fi wod. Bot a dat im miin.

SEKS AN RILIJAN

It luk laik se di uol uol bwai dem tek it aada dan di yong uol bwai dem. Mi did ier se som a dem did a chretn fi suu Gleaner. Dem no seks man an Gleaner a skyandalaiz dem. Mi no waan no KC uol bwai, yong ar uol, go a Gleaner afis go shuut op puor Oliver Clarke an di edita dem siek a mi kalam.

Put fon an juok asaid. Wen mi tingk bout it, seks kom iin laik rilijan. Uu yu seks a uu yu bi. A di sed siem wie piipl fiil se di gad dem worship a uu dem bi. Dem a Krischan, dem a Juu, dem a Muslim, dem a Rasta. Dem rilijan a dem liviti. It a dem niecha. Siem laik ou yu seks a yu niecha. An iina fi wi Jamieka langwij, wi aal yuuz di wod niecha fi miin seks laif. Laik ou wi se laim kot yu niecha.

Bai di wie, mi wonda if LIME a go chienj fi dem sowa niem wen dem marid to Flow. Dat de niem neva mek nuo sens. It no swiit wi. A no laik iina Trinidad an Tobago we laim miin paati. An wat mi no andastan, di kompini no niem LIME dong de. Dem a Cable and Wireless. Eniou mi ongl uop LIME naa go kot FLOW niecha.

Di Charlie Hebdo kyaatuunis dem shuda did nuo se dem no fi tek Prafit Muhammad mek papishuo. Stil far aal, dat no miin dem shuda ded fi dat. An mi shuda did nuo se mi no fi ron juok wid Jamieka man se dem waan fi seks man. Mi juk dem pan dem niecha. An mi sari. Uol taim piipl se, "Wa a juok tu yu a det tu mi." An a chruu.

Carolyn Cooper is a teacher of English language and literature. Visit her bilingual blog at http://carolynjoycooper.wordpress.com. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and karokupa@gmail.com.