Sun | Dec 4, 2016

The lady and the lewdest

Published:Tuesday | January 27, 2015 | 12:00 AM

The local Roman Catholic Church is in a tizzy. Rumour has it the church is facing an identity crisis never before experienced within its righteous rectals (oops, sorry, rectories). The story on the road is that one of its own, a monsignor no less, was caught, in flagrante delicto, perpetrating heterosexual acts. Yes, you read right, this popular man of the cloth was found defrocking a member of the opposite sex. Exposed, the lady and the lewdist were excoriated by the lady's husband.

O Lord, anybody see my trial

grieves for I.

Why, Lord? I was badly beaten;

found by loved ones;

battered by an irate husband;

searching for a man that wasn't I.

When we reached the court we gaan

inside.

De hand of justice shall preside

over this case. The trial shall begin.

Chief Gossip Mongerer Miss Stella, born to Jamaican immigrants in Norfolk but living in Norbrook, reported the church was in a quandary. Stella sey the church know what to do with homosexual behaviour because it have a rug, especially for the traditional sweeping under remedy. But, this? A heterosexual priest? Stella sey dem confuse. Stella sey de church prayed the traumatised husband would let sleeping dawgs lie and lying dawgs sleep but, instead, he threatened to sue.

Lawd a massy! Imagine the church in court having to defend what mandatory religious education might produce. By then, the lewdist could only plead.

Your Honour, I was inside de closet

minding I and I own business.

Your Honour, it was a complete

stranger

causing these disturbances.

Him claim sey me touch him wife

which is a wicked and awful lie.

Me two hand dem was occupied;

me shirt in me left

and me pants in me right.

The church, for so many centuries, skilled at getting to the bottom of these types of matters, was rendered speechless. Would it be forced to take testimony from a woman? Surely, the husband, consecrated by scripture as the 'head' (like a faculty dean) of the woman, must be believed no matter what wifey might say? What about independent testimony? The scriptural dean having thrown a wet towel on proceedings, would anybody support the lewdist? Kama? Sutra? Anybody?

Dear Judge,

can this court accept my story from

me heart?

Why, Judge,

if by chance you don't believe this

tale,

ask him why she will not fail

to agree

I was a better man than he.

Just in case she refuse to answer,

ask de maid downstairs, Agatha.

She'll only be glad to testify for me.

It was overwhelming. Such a flagrant breach of chastity vows couldn't go unpunished. Public opprobrium was required in this unprecedented case. Paedophiles or homosexuals were one thing, but a wife stealer? In the former cases, one could use the rug-and-broom remedy. After a brief interlude, the offender might even be allowed to parade around masquerading as a churchman. Not this heterosexual philanderer! Banish him! Imprison him!

Dear corporal,

as you lock me in this prison pray

for I.

Please, corporal,

please don't leave me here to

wonder

why de court has made dis blunder;

grabbed me for a crime that wasn't

fair.

Corporal, when you goin' to send

me dinner,

send yu mother or yu sister.

One more day of this I cannot bear.

Stella sey dat, now de priest gaan abroad, de church ready fi talk 'bout de scandal. Stella sey messing wid anedder man wife is mortal sin! First, yu lie to man den yu lie wid man wife. Stella sey it's no defence to say yu neva covet har, yu jus' cover har! Stella sey t'ank Gawd is not a Adam an' Steve t'ing so no bu'ning haffe tek place, but de embarrassment is too much. De man mus' exile.

Leighton 'Pluto' Shervington began his career in the early 1970s with a show band named Tomorrow's Children that featured musical greats like Cornell Marshall (drums); Richard Daley (guitar); and vocalists Ken Lazarus and John Jones. Inspired by the humour in Ernie Smith's lyrics, Pluto began his solo career with a trio of smash hits. Your Honour was the third.

A little-known fact about Pluto is that he developed a bad stutter from age nine that disappears when he's singing or onstage. Country music great Mel Tillis suffers from a similar speech impediment, but never when he sings.

Life is full of interesting contradictions such as a philandering priest breathing fire and brimstone weekly at us mere mortals.

Peace and love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.