Wed | Jan 23, 2019

Sunday Sauce: Of beauty, bandwagonists and haters

Published:Sunday | February 1, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Oxy Moron, Contributor

Once again, in the land of bandwagonists, the wheels of the wagon were set into motion. And who were the pompom girls and boys rooting for this time around?

A young woman whose beauty, they say, overshadows that of the Negril sunset. Goddess they called her. And, as such, the title of the most beautiful in the Universe should have been hers.

So, upon a stage in the great United States she was hoisted. It was a given, the crown was hers, so it was written, in stone, cut and dry. It was only a matter of time.

Then, the time came, and the wagon ran out of space. In Half-Way Tree some of the wagonists were deposited like those loud red, unsightly shacks. Bigger and redder certainly are not better.

Anyway, they rooted and they raved. Anxious and flushed they were, and waited with Sunday dinner and bated breaths. Then came the shouts. From 88, the Goddess of beauty had made the cut. Into the top 15 she was thrust.

clueless passers-by

The throng grew, and from among it, Clueless, who just happened to be passing by, yelled "Go, KC, go, tek it to them!" Champs time? No! Swimwear. Feeling hot, hot, hot!

So the top 15 strutted and glided, nobody slid. Disappointed. And more joy erupted. Goddess was the first to be hailed from the bikini parade. Top 10, Top 10. "Raaay! Raaay! Raaay!"

And a young lady from deep rural St Mary was powdering her bosom. In HWT, she must land. Now where was the minivan?

While she was pondering, the gowns came out, and Goddess set the stage, other parts of the Universe, and HWT on fire. Burn, chaka-chaka red shacks, burn. Fire-red frock the starlet wore, and the crowd roared. "Dem cyaan run, dem cyaan jump, dem cyaan do a ting, KC bun dem up," Clueless sang. But her cacophony was drowned out by more cheers.

top five

Goddess had blazed her way to the top five. In her path, the Filipino, MJ Something Anneda, and Miss Plastic Surgery from South America were left scorched, and melted. With those two out of the way, the Universe was at Goddess' feet, and she literally had the crown in her hands.

Then horror of horrors, her first question came from the accented one. Not a clear word Goddess heard. And, in unspeakable horror, the entire Universe watched as Goddess, by her very utterance, tossed the crown into the air.

It sailed over The Netherlands, and Ukraine, back to The United States, past the Florida panhandle and landed on to the Colombian head of horse tails, which Goddess refused to wear, and HWT and Twitter were never the same again.

It was mayhem, bangarang, brouhaha and pandemonium. Goddess was robbed, high-stage robbery, they claimed. Twitter, Facebook and other social wagonists were livid. It was tears, heartbreak and pain.

"A rob dem rob KC!" Clueless shouted, "A long time dem no like KC. How Calabar fi win? Fortis mi say!"

But while the fanatics were frothing at the mouth, the haters of Goddess, too, were on the ground, deriding her for flinging away the crown, happy that she did.

Then they got up, brushed themselves off, and joined the fray on FB and Twitter. Venom and bitterness they spewed, saying Goddess messed up herself because she was too full of it.

harsh criticism

One commented she is just a pretty elf. Another questioned where she was going "wid dem jawbone deh whey look like ruler". Another said 'twas because she didn't include Gully Bop in her second answer. Bob Marley and Usain Bolt were not enough. Hell hath no fury like women devoid of beauty.

And I, Oxy Moron, myself was happy for Goddess, happy for the richness of the material she had provided. Since coming out of retirement, I have been struggling to find things to sink my teeth into. And then came along the Goddess, the wagonists and the 'vitriolics'.

And the young lady from deep rural St Mary? Upon her powdered bosom many a raindrop fell. She fell asleep while waiting under a leaking bus shed.