Mon | Oct 3, 2022

The ISIS crisis

Published:Sunday | November 29, 2015 | 12:00 AMMichael Abrahams

ISIS scares the living daylights out of me. They really do. And I must confess that I feel a bit conflicted. I do not think that is fair to stereotype people and generalise when it comes to gender, ethnicity and religion. But whenever I walk past the television in my living room and hear that a bunch of innocent people got blown to smithereens, I know that it was not some Jehovah’s Witnesses who went postal and ran amok after a meeting at Kingdom Hall.
These days, it is nearly always some radical Islamic fundamentalist group, with ISIS being the king of them all.
I have Muslim friends, and they are all peaceful people. They tell me that what those people are carrying on with is not real Islam, and that Islam is a religion of peace. I absolutely agree. Have you ever seen what happens to people who piss these guys off? The conversation goes something like this:
(Loud explosion)
Dude 1: “What happened here?”
Dude 2: “Someone offended some Muslim guys.”
Dude 1: “So, where is he now?”
Dude 2: “Well, that’s a piece of him there. Another piece is over there. And if you look up in the sky, you will see some more pieces falling over yonder.”
It does indeed appear to be a religion of piece. Or pieces.
I would much rather offend a Christian fanatic than a Muslim fanatic, any day of the week. If you offend a Christian fanatic, they rebuke you in the name of God. If you tick off a Muslim fanatic, they go straight to God, and take you with them. They do not like to travel on their celestial journeys alone. They like company.
I have heard some great stories about God, but there are a few things that I would like to accomplish on here on earth first - like live. I have kind of got used to my heart beating and stuff like that.
Christians want to go to Heaven, but they do not want to die, something that I have never fully understood. In my days as a good Christian boy (yes, I really was), I would sit in church and, during the announcement part of the show, the pastor would call out names of church members who were ill, and ask congregants to pray for them to recover.
Looking back, that was rather selfish, to want them to stay longer in this wretched, sinful world. Prayers should have been offered for them to die ASAP, while they were still entrenched in the faith. That way, they would have booked a seat on Zion Train and travelled straight to the pearly gates, where they would enjoy all that milk and honey (unless they were diabetic or lactose intolerant).
On the other hand, if they are healed, their future would be less certain. For example, you might pray for Mrs Henderson to recover from her stroke. She recovers, then backslides, copulates with the postman, Christ returns, and she goes straight to Hell, hanging out with Satan, Hitler, and a bunch of Jamaican politicians.

Some of the young jihadists who engage in suicide missions are led to believe that when they die, their reward will be an all-expense-paid trip to Heaven where they will each receive 72 virgins to do the nasty with, until eternity. Unfortunately, many of these young men and their phalluses fall for these fallacies, and they gladly give their lives for heavenly coital bliss.
What amazes me is that the thought of getting six dozen virgins serves as any kind of motivation for a man. Think about it. Seventy-two virgins? That is a lot of coercing, reassuring and teaching. An awful lot of work, if you ask me. The afterlife is supposed to be like retirement. Can you imagine having to convince 72 virgins to give it up? I am not enticed.
“Yes, Rasheeda, I’ll be gentle. I’ll take my time. I have K-Y Jelly.”
“Yes, Benazir, I know that I’m a black man, but I’m not that big. Honestly.”
“Abisha, I see you hiding there in the back, but your day will come. In the meantime, here’s a copy of the Kama Sutra. Read and learn.”
When Christians become radicalised, they visit church every day of the week. Bible study on Monday, choir practice on Tuesday, prayer meeting on Wednesday, women’s fellowship on Thursday, youth fellowship on Friday, band practice on Saturday and church service on Sunday. Then they go to work and preach, sing hymns and gospel songs, quote scriptures and talk about being “blessed and highly favoured”.
When Muslims become radicalised, they turn into real party poopers, and blow up stuff, including themselves.
At the end of day, it is not so much about Islam as it is about religious fanaticism. Both the Bible and the Qu’ran can be used to justify aggression, murder and war, and Christians and Muslims have a long history of recurring violent conflicts. Christianity had its time to dominate, with the Crusades and the Inquisitions. They persecuted, enslaved, tortured, burnt and chopped up people like crazy, all in the name of God, overwhelming their foes.
Now it is Islam’s turn to provide us with the predominant murderous jackasses.

-Michael Abrahams is an obstetrician and gynaecologist, comedian and poet. Email feedback to and, or tweet @mikeyabrahams.