Tue | Sep 26, 2023

Gordon Robinson | The essence of contraception

Published:Tuesday | January 31, 2023 | 12:12 AM

The Old Ball and Chain says I spend too much time on character updates when recounting my Apocryphan fables.

“But what should I do for recent readers? They might not know the personality?” I calmly and rationally (gotta watch my tone, remember?) pointed out. Old BC wasn’t as kind:

“You remind me of Fred Sanford’s son! First and foremost you don’t have any new readers. Secondly it’s tedious AND boring. Thirdly, I long ago threw away your carrier pigeons (which you upgraded to from ravens). Anyone who comes in late (and gives a hoot) has Dr. Google to consult!”

Yes dear.

So, over in Apocrypha, Prime Minister AndRue Polemess was on the horns (I nearly said “pole”) of a dilemma. Former Prime Minister and Just Lazy People (JLP) party leader Bruceontheloose, now a radio talk show host, was reported to have made comments critical of the current JLP Government. The critique was widely regarded as fair and reasonable.

But he was immediately publicly attacked by maverick MP Everhard Warmonger who was notorious for his incapacity to distinguish message from messenger and his committed hostility to civility. He called Bruceontheloose a failed leader; irrelevant; and a pretender who never really led but only claimed to have led. He told Bruceonthelooseto “Back off!”

It seemed Warmonger was unable to take issue with the content of Bruce’s critique (didn’t try) but said any such “advice” to AndRue should have been delivered behind closed doors. Party loyalty above country’s interests seemed the foundation of Warmonger’s philosophy and Bruceontheloose’s alleged failure to blindly implement that mantra the source of his ire.

AndRue was a relatively young man with a deep respect for his elders and a firm belief in honouring those in whose footsteps he sought to walk. On the other hand, electorally, Warmonger was the most successful of his Party’s MPs so could always be relied upon to add a parliamentary seat to the JLP’s win column. So, what to do? Reprimand Warmonger for dishonouring a past leader? Or sacrifice Bruce on the altar of electoral hopes?

He consulted Oma D’unn. Oma told him to buy a condom. AndRue was even more confused so Oma told him the story of a young lady’s visit to her Doctor.

Linda was what Gilbert O’Sullivan would call a “dear permissive twit”. She had a pleasant, outgoing personality but was also simple, naïve and trusting. The young men she met were, by and large (that’s by AND large), of standard “nature” so not averse to the use of charm as a manipulative tool to get dear Linda to (ah, how shall I say this?) “put out.”

They assured her they were always careful and would never do anything to get her into “trouble”. One particularly handsome boy, named Ray, was the most persuasive so, like the Raylettes, she let Ray. It wasn’t until they had been “carrying on” for a while that she learned Ray was already a father many times over. Also she wasn’t feeling so good. So she went to see her Doctor and said “Doc, I need some contradiction.”

The Doctor was taken aback and blurted out “You’re ignorant.”

She replied “Yep. Three months.”

AndRue remained in the dark so Oma explained that these things should be prevented as they were much too difficult to cure. Had AndRue used contraception at the outset and either disciplined or replaced Warmonger as a people’s representative years ago, he wouldn’t have to deal with the embarrassing contradiction of a man publicly castigating a Party Elder for publicly criticizing the Party.

Now, Oma chided, AndRue’s wilful blindness or indecisiveness allowed the spectre of yet another hot button sex offence (abortion) to arise and demand involvement. It’s one thing to publicly abuse police; opposition politicians; or statutory agency employees. But to perform public character assassination of a former PM and Party Leader is a bridge too far. Surely SOMEBODY needs throwing under the nearest bus or over a nearby cliff or fording?

Peace and Love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.