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Kelly's World: Run! The mosquitoes are coming!

Published:Wednesday | October 14, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Now, as a rule, I try to respect all animals.

From the penguin to the pangolin, from the ant to the antelope, I think we all have a part to play on planet Earth. Even if a particular species' only role is to provide food for something bigger, it is still important. But there are a few animals that I'm not sure I feel quite so supportive of, and one in particular. I went road-tripping on Sunday (minor miracle in and of itself) to the Hellshire side of Portmore. I left the event about 6 p.m. and had some very unwelcome riders in my car - you guessed it - mosquitoes!

Look yah man, those vampires were buzzing around my head, forcing me to flash them away. Now I'm used to that if I'm walking, or better yet, when I'm standing still or lying down. But while I'm trying to operate a motor vehicle? No sah. Dem mosquito yah mussi desperate. And they're huge! Buzzing in your ears is one thing, but flying across your line of vision is another matter. How is it possible that taxi drivers, bumpy road surfaces and bad lighting of the roadway were not my biggest issues? But they weren't. I had more trouble dodging bloodsuckers. These 'things' (because I'm sure these aren't normal mosquitoes) were trying to bite my arm off, even as I'm steering! Good thing I wore full-length jeans, my shins and calves would have been massacred.

So people have been wondering if it's just the recent rain that's causing the mosquito monsoon. A friend of mine suggested that somebody was breeding these critters in some factory somewhere and had released them into the wild. I like a good sci-fi story and I'm beginning to think she might be on to something. We know we have geniuses of all kinds walking around like ordinary people. So who says one or a few of them didn't find a way to create the perfect mosquito? But I have other theories. Maybe, just maybe, this is a sign of some kind. This could be some Merlin the Magician meets the X-Men kind of situation. Or perhaps this is straight-up plagues of Egypt/wrath of God business. Let's face it, Jamaica kinda a gwaan bad. Either way, I can envision it now - international media, sci-fi junkies, explorers and adventurers, and lovers of the paranormal would come to the island in droves. Jamaica would make the Bermuda Triangle and Stonehenge look like pickney sinting! Imagine the memorabilia sales that Brand Jamaica could profit from. Forget about 'I saw Bigfoot' T-shirts. It would be all about 'I survived Ja's killer mosquitoes'. Mad ting!

Whatever the reason, I'm protecting myself. But I'm not even sure if the destroyers and VAPE mats are even working anymore. Hopefully, I can catch a few live ones. That way, if the phenomenon gets weirder, I can sell mine to TMZ or the highest bidder. So excuse me, going to grab a jar. Money-o!

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