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Kelly's World | Me as Superman? Yuh mad!

Published:Monday | April 15, 2019 | 12:00 AM

I don’t know if there is such a thing as a superhuman.

Just to clarify, I believe that any good parent is a ‘superhuman’, when you consider all the things they have to do just to make sure they raise their offspring ‘right’.

If you add up all the hours and money parents have to spend, your head would spin.

And the effort required is even more difficult for the working parents (not to imply that the stay-at-home ones have it any easier).

But when I say superhuman, I mean like what you see in movies and read in comic books.

There’s a theory that such persons actually exist, but I wouldn’t bet the mortgage on it.

Usain Bolt, for instance, looked unbeatable at one point (and he was), but his mortal human frame has inevitably slowed down.

I do believe, though, that there are persons who are able to do things a little more extreme than others.

For instance, I watched a show about a man whose body temperature takes longer to drop in freezing cold water than others.

And I’ve seen people use their teeth and hair to pull very large, heavy objects.

But real superhumans with Herculean strength, or faster-than-light speed? No sah.

There are times when I wish I had superhuman powers. I mean, who doesn’t? But I’m not so sure I would be able to handle them.

Sure, I would say that I would only use them for good. So at least for the first couple of months, I would be the mystical figure who nobody knows, helping out damsels in distress.

The brethren would get saved too, enuh, but the damsels always come first, you get me? (wink).

But eventually, I feel that I would abuse my powers.

So if I had the power of telekinesis, and a driver cut me off in traffic? Just flip him and the damn car with my mind.

If I’m heading to the National Stadium and the crowd is building up? Just use my super speed to get to the front.

Playing dominoes? Use my X-ray vision to see what tiles the other players have. As for super strength, don’t even think about it.

Mi ignorant (Jamaican sense of the word), and have a propensity to get ‘dark’.

So if anyone is bothering me, knowing my luck, even one likkle ‘shub’ will snap his neck.

It’s bad enough if the sporting event isn’t going your way that you throw the remote on the bed in frustration.

Super-Strength Possibilities

But if you have super strength there is the possibility that: a) you will crush the remote just by clenching your fist; and b) it will burn a whole through your bed when you throw it.

Ability to create fire? You mad! Everyting woulda get bun up. Capleton woulda start call me ‘fire man’.

Granted, if you’re smart, you can use your abilities to make good money, especially overseas, so you could probably just buy new stuff every time.

But who has time for that?

So I’ll stay without any powers, love and thanks. Life is much simpler.

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