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Kelly's World | Smooth operator (I am not)

Published:Monday | June 24, 2019 | 12:00 AM

“And I’ll sit and wonder, of every love that could’ve been, if I’d only thought of something charming to say. Bop bah, this is the sound of settling.” – Sound of Settling by Death Cab for Cutie

I remember the first Kelly’s World I ever wrote, ‘We love brownings’, and it’s kinda haunted me ever since.

I say haunted because recently two women told me that they know my ‘type’.

I had to remind both individuals, through slightly gritted teeth, that I thought many things when I was 25(!) but it doesn’t mean I’ve stuck with all of those beliefs.

Searching through the memory banks, I don’t know when I got into my ‘browning’ phase. There was a time when I thought that I took after my old man.

Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. Dad and I have never really explored the topic.

Thing is, over time, I’ve realised that my taste in the fairer gender varies. Long hair, short hair, curly hair, practically no hair – I’m good.

Short, really short, tall, very tall, pudgy, really pudgy, thin, mawga, don’t matter. Browning, dark skin, Asian descent, Eastern-European, not an issue.


I realise that I’m more drawn to the spunkiness of the individual, rather than her physical characteristics.

I also readily admit that I spend at least some time almost every day browsing Instagram, where I follow more than a few beautiful women of all nationalities.

Dem pretty, so wah? Sue me! But here’s the thing. If I ever had the chance to meet any of them, I’d probably be too scared.

“They’re just regular humans like you,” some people will reason. Yeah, but mi tun fool roun’ woman when I’m not on my game, which, depending on the time period, can be a long time.

Case in point, a good friend told me that one of her bona fide gal pals, who I have somewhat of a crush on, was coming by. And, yes, she kinda brown. Leave me alone!

Anyway, me ready long time fi di reintroduction, all a practise. But when time came fi put on di charm, the only words yours truly could muster were “Hey, what’s up?”

I then came back with the even lamer line, “Yuh good?” which quite clearly covers about the same distance as the previous question.

Thankfully, the meeting was always going to be a short one, so I didn’t have much time to embarrass myself further. Let’s just say my smooth talking dad wouldn’t be very proud of his boy.

Reflecting on the incident, a line from the movie The Dark Knight came to mind.

The Joker (expertly played by the late Heath Ledger) said, “You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it!”

That’s me. Except the only difference between me and the charismatic clown is that he actually did have a plan, a very elaborate one at that. I. Do. Not.

Mumbling and fumbling have always been two of my greatest obstacles, and they don’t look like they’re going to be hurdled any time soon. Bop bah.

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