Sat | Oct 1, 2022

Is this love?

Published:Monday | November 30, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Dear Counsellor Q: We have been married for nine years, but I do not think my husband loves me. Yes, he provides very well, but at a cost. We change our expensive vehicles every three years, but the vehicle I drive is not in my name because he claims he wants the benefits of having a fleet in his name. We have two elegant houses, but none is in my name. The rent from one of the houses goes to his account. The credit cards have him as the primary holder. In addition, he treats me like his assistant. I have to prepare his clothes for him to go and play golf and clean his golf shoes when he returns. He does not want the domestic helper to touch his clubs or anything to do with his golfing. We have a daughter and I have to take her to dancing and swimming. He does not help. He tells the world that he loves us, but he shouts at us. When I am unhappy, I am not in the mood for sex. He, however, feels that vexation has nothing to do with sex, therefore, I do it out of duty. This is not what I expected of a marriage and this is not what I thought love was about. I am very frustrated.

A: Your husband has a different understanding of love from you. You associate love with respect, affection, good communication, and a good relationship leading to sexual intimacy. He divorces sex from love and equates providing elegant amenities as the main way of displaying love. Both of you are miles apart and you need the intervention of a competent counsellor. hopefully, he would agree to such mediation.

You should tell your husband that you will be starting to play golf and let him realise that he needs to clean his own shoes and put out his own clothes because that is what you will have to do. Otherwise, he will have to get paid help to do those things for both of you.

You need to be firm and tell him that the shouting is affecting your daughter. He needs to stop it. Your daughter needs to understand that this is not acceptable behaviour.

Ensure that you tell your husband that you appreciate the provision of the comforts, but you yearn for more from the relationship. Make him know that just as how he provides a house and car, you want him to provide emotional support, which will lead to a satisfying sex relationship.