Sun | Jan 16, 2022

My man wants me to dominate him

Published:Monday | July 13, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Q Good day, Doc, I am a 27-year-old woman, and I have had a pretty vigorous sex life. But now I would like to marry, settle down and have children.

Three months ago, I met a handsome and well-off young man from a European country. I think he is 10 years older than me. He told me that he loves me, and I think I am a little in love with him. He wants to marry me next year, when he gets his mother's permission.

But there is a slight problem, Doc. In the early weeks of our relationship, sex with him was good, and everything seemed normal. But in the last four weeks, I have noticed something very disturbing.

Whenever we are in the bedroom, he wants me to order him around. He likes me to say crazy things to him, like 'I order you to get onto the bed' and sometimes, 'I order you to have sex with me.'

Even stranger is that when we have finished having sex, he wishes me to say to him: 'That was no good at all! You must do better next time!' In other words, he wants me to criticise him, and say that he is useless.

When we are in bed he keeps calling me 'Mistress'. And he keeps apologising for things he has done - and asks me to punish him!

Doc, what is going on?

A It is quite simple. This guy is what is called a 'submissive' or 'sub'. That is quite common in certain countries.

Men who have this particular sexual trait are desperate to be dominated by women. In fact, they like nothing better than to be bossed around by the type of woman who is known as a 'dominatrix'.

If you want an indication of just how popular this kind of behaviour is, just Google the word 'dominatrix.' You will find that there are more than 240 million websites which relate to that expression!

And in certain cities, such as New York and London, there are literally thousands of women who make an excellent living by offering 'domination' services to men who are willing to pay good money to be bossed about.

In domination relationships, there is usually a strong element of masochism. In other words, the man often wants to be smacked or flogged by the woman. I forecast that your new guy will soon want you to smack him or cane him. Not many women are keen on doing this!

Also, it is very common for submissive men to want to be tied up by their partners. As I expect you know, this is called 'bondage'. Very often, they ask the woman to tie them to the bed while she does various sexual (or sometimes painful) things to him.

Now why on earth is your new boyfriend like this? No one really knows, though it does appear likely that it's something to do with his upbringing - or events that happened when he was young. I note that although your boyfriend must be around 37, he feels that he has to seek his mother's permission to get married. That does suggest that maybe he is 'under her thumb!'

In case you are wondering, I do not think there is any psychiatric treatment which will cure a man of being a submissive. So really, you just have to decide whether you want to spend your life with a man who wishes for you to treat him like dirt!

In view of the fact that you say that you are 'a little in love' with him, I cannot honestly say that he sounds like the ideal groom for you.

She's too 'tight'

Q I just got married to a woman who is nine years younger than I am and I love her, Doc. But I am surprised to find that sex with her is very difficult. Basically, everything is too tight and she says that it hurts.

Can you advise? Is it some physical disorder?

A That is possible. But there is also a good chance that she has the psychological condition called vaginismus, in which women get a kind of 'muscle contract' whenever any approach is made to the vagina.

Your best move now is to ask her to come with you to a sympathetic doctor who is an expert in female problems. Research suggests that in these cases, it is often best to pick a female doctor. This is because she will be able to help the woman learn how to relax her vagina, and to enjoy the feelings from it.

I want to donate my body to research

Q Good day, Doc. I read some time ago that it would be possible to donate one's body for medical research.

I have tried without success to find out about this. Can you assist me further?

A I am sorry that it has taken me some time to answer your question. This is not my usual field, so I had to consult with a few of my colleagues.

It is a noble thing you wish to do - donating your body for medical research or perhaps the training of medical students. You should contact the Section Head of the Basic Medical Sciences Section at the University. The telephone number is 977-2560.

Am I too jealous?

Q My husband of seven years and I are having serious problems with sex, and it doesn't look like it will go away.

He seems not to believe that I am satisfied with him making intense love to me. He does not understand that I need no one else to give me the passion.

He has committed adultery, I must admit that I love him, but he is a snake! I will never be able to trust him again, as I feel he is still having affairs.

Also, he has got another child since we got married. But he claims that that relationship was 'just supposed to be a thing and nothing serious.'

I feel like I am burdening him down, and he is fed up with my jealous ways.

A Well, sounds like you have a lot to be jealous about! I am afraid that this marriage is in serious trouble. From my experience, I would say that the only way of saving it would be for both of you to enter a course of marital counselling from an experienced therapist, counsellor, or minister of religion.

Please try and persuade him to go with you. If he won't cooperate, then I fear that divorce is very much in the cards.

Meds not curing infection

Q I recently had an affair with a guy from St Catherine, and since then I have had a yellow discharge. I am very sore, Doc, and just inside I am raw and painful.

Is this yeast? I have tried yeast remedies, but no luck.

A It is much more likely you have the infection called 'trichomonas.' Please see a doctor for tests and treatment.