Sun | Sep 19, 2021

No sex with your ex

Published:Monday | October 26, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Q Doc, I am a bewildered woman, and I would like your advice about my sex life, especially as it relates to my handsome and glamorous ex-husband.

We were married for 10 years. Then, 18 months ago, we got divorced. The reason for this was that he was what they used to call a 'ladies man'. In other words, he could not keep his hands off pretty women. After his seventh or eighth indiscretion, I divorced him.

Almost immediately, I married a kind and caring 43-year-old. He is loving and considerate, and he takes good care of me. Sex with him is not bad, though he does tend to discharge too early. I have not spoken to him about this.

I am still in regular contact with my ex-husband, mainly over questions regarding the children. I suppose you could say that he and I remain good friends. He is such a charming guy, and he always makes me laugh.

Well Doc, last week he popped in for coffee, and to get me to sign some papers connected with our son's schooling. As he was leaving, he suddenly put his arm around me, and kissed me full on the lips. I was very surprised, but I did kind of respond to him. I could feel him getting erect, so I broke away and said: "You've gotta go now."

He smiled, and went out the front door. But then he turned and murmured to me. "Honey, I still love you. And it would be very nice to go to bed with you again. Maybe next week?'

Then he jumped into his car and was gone. All this has left me feeling very disturbed, Doc. I know that having sex with him would be wrong, but part of me remembers how good it was with him. And I keep thinking that maybe it wouldn't hurt if I just occasionally went to bed with him, like when he comes around to discuss the children.

What is your opinion, Doc?

A Some years ago, a Scottish marriage guidance counsellor came up with a 'rule' which other therapists have adopted. It is this: No sex with your ex.

There is even a 1987 song with this title! But it is a good rule, and I think you should observe it. There are various reasons why you should not go to bed with your ex-husband.

Let me summarise them:

• This would be disrespectful to your current spouse.

• If he found out about your bedroom romps, he would probably be devastated.

• You might get pregnant by your ex and you can imagine what confusion that would cause!

• Having sexual relations with your ex might create new emotional bonds between you and these could cause you serious guilt, and all sorts of psychological problems.

• If your children found out that you were going to bed with their father, it would be very confusing for them.

So all in all, I think that the idea of going to bed with your charming, but unreliable ex-husband would be a very dumb one. Please do not do it!

It seems to me that a major factor in all this is the fact that your new husband is clearly not as good in bed as the old one was. From what you say, it seems probable that he has some degree of 'premature ejaculation' (climaxing too soon).

You have not talked to him about this, but I beg that you to do so immediately! By getting this matter out into the open, you will probably be able to help him. I suggest that you ask him to consult his doctor who should be able to help him beat his 'PE'. I wish you both well.

Would 'virility pills' help?

Q Doc, I am a 36-year-old guy and I happened to see an ad for 'virility pills' on the Internet. I could do with a little help in that area, because sometimes I leave my girlfriends unsatisfied.

These pills are supposed to give a man great power in bed, and a 'lion-like' erection. That sounds good to me.

Do you think I should try them?

A Unfortunately, there is a lot of rubbish for sale on the Internet - especially pills that are supposed to help men with their virility. Recently, there has been a number of successful criminal prosecutions against crooks who were selling men 'potency tablets' that contained absolutely nothing!

So please do not waste your money on these pills. If you feel that your virility is waning, then go and see a doctor and have a full check up - including a test for diabetes or 'sugar.'

Finally, I note that you refer to 'girlfriends' in the plural, rather than just one girlfriend. In general, when a man is having a little trouble with his potency, it is beneficial for him to concentrate on one woman, rather than try to have sex with several.

Do I have yeast?

Q I am a 32-year-old mom, and I have a recurrence of yeast. It shows itself as a white discharge, and it is smelly at times.

I have taken medications for it, but it still keeps occurring.

A Yeast, also known as 'thrush' does not normally cause a smell. So I am wondering if you really have some other infection, such as bacterial vaginosis.

This is now a very common condition, and it frequently causes a 'fishy' smell, particularly after sex.

I feel it is very important that you have some lab tests to find out what precisely is causing your distressing discharge. Please go to a doctor who can do these tests for you.

Will masturbation harm me?

Q I am a businessman, so I am away from home (and from my wife) a lot.

During these enforced absences, I sometimes masturbate. Will this do me any harm? Or affect my sexual performance?

A No, and no. It is quite common for travelling businessmen to 'ease their frustrations' while they are away by masturbating. That is certainly much safer than relieving your sexual tensions by going with a 'lady of the night' - which (unfortunately) is what a lot of business men do.


Side effects of an IUD

Q My new boyfriend wants a lot of sex, so I have decided that I should get a IUD. But tell me, Doc: is it true that they can disrupt the menses?

A Well, the IUD (also known as 'the coil') does generally make periods a little heavier. And sometimes it makes them more painful.

But most women get along fine with the IUD. If the menses turn out to be too heavy for you to cope with, then you can always have the device taken out.

In addition, please note that today there are hormone-loaded IUDs. These are intended to make the menses lighter, and they do that pretty successfully. However, they may take a few months to have that effect on the periods.

Is my husband right?

Q My husband claims that I should be able to orgasm just from having my nipples touched. Is that correct? He is saying I am 'abnormal.'

A Only a small minority of women can do that. I am wondering why your spouse is pressurising you in this way?