Sun | Jan 23, 2022

Dear Doc | Neglected by my husband

Published:Tuesday | May 2, 2017 | 12:00 AM

Q Doc, I hope you can give me some good advice. I am married and I think I still love my husband. I sometimes believe he loves me, and we have two beautiful children. But he neglects me so badly these days.

In recent years, he has become rather cold towards me. He starts a lot of fuss and he is definitely interested in other women, though I don't know whether he has cheated on me.

He criticises me a lot - he doesn't like my hair and make-up, and disagrees with things I do around the house. We have fights about how the children should be raised, and I think he is too fierce with them!

As it relates to sex, we do it around once per week. It is OK, but he has become very hasty with it. Usually, he just reaches his climax and rolls off. He no longer seems to care about whether I reach an orgasm.

Now, guess what has happened to me, Doc? A new neighbour has moved in - he is a nice man, who is just a few years younger than me. He seems to be kind and helpful, and he is very pleasant with me. He has helped me with my shopping, and he also came round when the air conditioning was broken and fixed it. He is not married, and does not seem to have a girlfriend - I cannot understand why, because he is very attractive.

So in a matter of weeks, we have become close friends. I really, really like him. Yesterday, he was helping me with something in the garden, and he accidentally put his hand on the back of mine. I found myself gazing into his eyes and thinking: 'What if?'

So you see what I am considering, Doc? Since my sex life is now so poor, should I go to bed with this man?

A Well, would he want to go to bed with you? From what you say, it does occur to me that he might just possibly be gay.

But leaving that on one side, it is an unfortunate fact that after a few years of marriage, quite a few husbands do tend to neglect their spouses. Your husband has clearly become offhand and rather unpleasant to you. And the kind of sex he is giving you sounds pretty awful!

However, the remedy for all this is not to have an affair with your new next-door neighbour. That will not make your husband treat you any better. Any pleasure it gives you would be short-lived! Your adultery might lead to all kinds of trouble.

You are in a bad situation, and I am sorry for you. But though I do not like to give this sort of advice, I fear that you should seriously consider the possibility of a divorce.

So, I suggest that you sit down with your husband when the children are not around, and ask him if he really wants to continue with this marriage. If he does, then you should urge him to go with you to some form of marital counselling. If he doesn't, then consider consulting a divorce lawyer.

But please don't seduce the man next door. That would solve absolutely nothing.


Sore, raw place under my foreskin


Q I am a 34-year-old man and I have had a sore, raw place under my foreskin for around three years now.

Should I be worried about this?

A Yes! Persistent raw or sore places located anywhere on the body should always be checked out by a doctor. This is particularly so with raw places on the penis!

It is quite possible that you actually have cancer of the penis. Please see a doctor immediately. I imagine he will send you to a urologist.

But hurry! It is important to get this cured soon.


No orgasm during intercourse


Q After years of being a virgin, I married my husband six months ago. We are very happy. Sex with him is good, it has been a pleasant surprise to me.

But one thing puzzles me; although I can have orgasms, I don't actually have them while we are having intercourse.

Is there something wrong with me?

A No, there isn't. A new survey from England reveals that more than 80 per cent of women cannot reach an orgasm through intercourse alone.

The same survey found that 83 per cent of women need stimulation of the clitoris in order to make them climax. This is partly because the clitoris is the woman's equivalent of the man's penis, and, therefore, has more erotic nerve endings than anywhere else in the body.

So the answer is to get your new husband to rub or stroke your clitoris before intercourse, and also during and afterwards if necessary.

It is good to know that your marriage is going so well.


'Hand job' more pleasurable than intercourse


Q As a man, I am a little disturbed to find that I get more intense physical sensations from a 'hand job' than I do from sexual intercourse. Is this normal, Doc?

A It is certainly very common. The reason is that human fingers often create a firmer and more localised pressure than the vagina can. So they frequently produce a more intense 'local' sensation for the man.

Nevertheless, most men do much prefer vaginal intercourse with a lovely woman to having a 'hand job'. But there is nothing wrong with you.


Will my husband still produce sperms after a vasectomy?


Q If my husband took a vasectomy, would he still produce fluid, Doc?

A Yes, he would. After a vasectomy, the amount of 'man-fluid' which is produced is virtually indistinguishable from the amount before the operation.


Smoking while on the Pill


Q I am a 30-year-old woman and I want to go back on the Pill. But is it safe for me to take it, even though I am a smoker?

A Cigarettes and the Pill are not a good combination. This is because the Pill slightly increases the chances of thrombosis (clotting), particularly in women over the age of 30.

Smoking definitely increases the chances of thrombosis, which is why heart attacks and strokes are so common in smokers.

Please talk to your doctor about this. But personally, I would be much happier if you gave up cigarettes (for good) before going back on the Pill.


Vibrator for men


Q Doc, is there such a thing as a vibrator for men? I have been having problems getting a good erection, and somebody told me that vibrators would help.

A Sometimes they do, simply because they produce very fast buzzing stimuli on the penis. Try looking up 'vibrators for men' on Google, and you will be offered literally thousands of products.


Treating a vaginal yeast infection


Q What is the best treatment for vaginal yeast, Doc?

A Yeast (thrush) is a big problem for many women. It's usual to start treatment with a vaginal antifungal application called clotrimazole (also known by the trade name Canesten).

It's also possible to use an oral medication called fluconazole (aka Diflucan), often given as a single dose.

Very frequently, it's also a good idea to treat the woman's partner with clotrimazole cream, applied twice a day to the penis for around a week. This prevents him from reinfecting her during sex.