Fri | Sep 17, 2021

Dear Doc | Caught my husband in a dress

Published:Friday | June 9, 2017 | 12:00 AM

Q A pleasant good day to you, Doc. I am a worried wife and I need your advice.

Just after Christmas, I got married to a very nice man. I love him, and he says he loves me. Sex has been pretty good, and there was nothing abnormal about it.

I thought we were very happy until I came home one day, walked into the bedroom and found him wearing one of my dresses! I think he had a little make-up on, too. He was trying on my high-heeled shoes, though they were too small for him.

I screamed at him and ran from the room. After a few minutes, he came out of the bedroom wearing his normal clothing. But there was still a trace of lipstick on his face.

He apologised and said he was just having a bit of fun. He tried to kiss me, but I would not let him because I was so horrified. I called my mother, and she said I should divorce him. But I am not sure.

During the last few days, he and I have hardly spoken.

What do you think I should do, Doctor? Do you think he is a homosexual?

A Well, this man is of course a transvestite, or cross-dresser. The subject of cross-dressing often gets people very upset or angry. Attitudes towards cross-dressing are sometimes quite irrational. For instance, there was a notorious case about four years ago in which a cross-dressing teenager was beaten to death by a crowd, simply because he was wearing a dress.

Now, you ask me whether your husband is a gay, and the answer is certainly not.

Research has shown that the majority of transvestites are not gay. Mostly, they like to have sex with women, and that seems to be the case with your husband, since it appears that he enjoys having intercourse with you.

Why do these men dress up in women's clothing? Psychologists have looked into this question, and they have found that during childhood, many transvestites got 'turned on' by their mother's clothing. Also, a lot of them seem to be under a good deal of stress, and in some strange way, contact with female clothing appears to calm them.

Is there any treatment for cross-dressing? Well, psychiatrists and psychologists have tried all sorts of things, but none seem to be effective. There used to be a horrendous 'treatment', where men were given painful electric shocks whenever they touched a skirt or a dress. That did not work.

Now, what are you to do about your situation? It may be that your mother is right, and that you will have to get a divorce.

But I must tell you that in Europe and America, there are (surprisingly) quite a few wives who accept their husbands' tendency to cross-dress. On a recent trip to France, I saw a middle-age married couple in a restaurant, happily dining together. Both were dressed in the high fashion, and the only thing that gave the man away was that his high-heeled shoes were very large!

Now, it is true that being married to a practising cross-dresser is not every woman's cup of tea. It may be that you won't be able to cope with it.

But I don't think you should be in any rush to consult a divorce lawyer. The first thing you should do is to talk to your husband about this problem. You say that you love him, so tell him so.

Try to establish how often he wants to do this sort of thing. For instance, if he only wanted to dress up once a year, like on Halloween, I guess that might be more acceptable to you. But I doubt if that's the case. Many married cross-dressers like the idea of getting into a dress every evening, and sitting around watching television with their wives!

Finally, I advise you very strongly that the two of you should go to an understanding counsellor, therapist or clergyman to talk about this. I wish you well in what is a very difficult situation.


Circumcision operation


Q I am living in the United States and I have had a slight problem with 'getting stiff'. This is affecting my love life.

A doctor here says that this is because I am uncircumcised, so he wants to perform a circumcision operation on me for a fee of several thousand dollars.

Should I agree?

A No. It is unlikely that a circumcision operation would cure your 'loss of nature'. Also, this operation can sometimes have unpleasant after-effect on a man, such as scarring.

I think you should see a doctor or therapist who specialises in erection problems. These days, it is very easy to find such practitioners on the Internet.


I found a lump in my breast


Q Doc, I am a woman in my 30s and have just found a lump in my breast.

A Lumps in the breast must be checked out immediately. See a doctor this week.


The Pill gives me migraines


Q I am 33 years old and I started on the Pill last month. Since then, I have been having the most terrible headaches.

I think they are migraines. They are on one side of the skull, and they make me see crazy flashing lights. What must I do?

A Stop taking the Pill immediately! This sort of migraine is one of the few things that causes doctors alarm where the oral contraceptive is concerned.

Please see your doctor right away and get her advice. Don't forget that you need some other form of contraception to replace the Pill.


My girlfriend curses before she orgasms


Q Doc, I have recently met a beautiful woman and have fallen in love with her. I hope to marry her in the summer.

The only problem is that when we are having sex, she shouts out the most shocking things. I am talking bad language here, Doc! As she approaches her orgasm, she yells out rude remarks, like 'Darling, **** me harder', and stuff like that.

Is there something wrong with her?

A No. I imagine that you had a very strict upbringing and is not used to four-letter words. That's fine, but it is a fact that some very passionate women do yell out these somewhat crude expressions, particularly when they are near their orgasms.

All I can suggest is that you should calmly talk this over with her, and explain that you are not accustomed to such crude words. Ask her to try to avoid using them. Maybe you could agree on a milder vocabulary which suits both of you; or else you could wear earplugs in bed.