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Confronting the other woman

Published:Monday | February 1, 2010 | 12:00 AM

Keisha Shakespeare-Blackmore, Staff Reporter

For as long as time, men have been cheating and woman have sat back and gone with the flow.

But these days, some women are not having it because they feel someone has to pay the price, and it's either the man or the other woman's head that will be on the cutting board.

Some women believe that the other woman is equally as guilty as the straying husband, so she as well as he should be confronted. However, confronting the other woman is quite risky. It may work in your favour or it might backfire. It may drive a wedge between the two, or it might push your cheating spouse closer to his new lover.


Jessica Millerdoes not believe in confronting the other woman. She says the fact is, you don't have a relationship with the woman.

"The truth is, the woman does not have any obligations to me. It is the man with whom I have a relationship, and he is the one who has an obligation to be loyal to me. So I would confront him and not the woman," says Miller.

Stacey-Ann Thompsonon the other hand, says she would definitely confront the other woman. She says she has been down that road before and the problem she has is that some women love to "show up" themselves (always in your face).

She notes however, that she does not blame the other woman only, because the man is equally guilty. But she believes some women want the man for themselves.

The truth

"Some men will tell a woman up front that he lives with his wife/ baby mother/girlfriend and they will still agree to go into the relationship. Then, after a while, when they cannot have the man to themselves, they begin to do everything to break up the man's previous relationship," says Thompson.

Thompson told Flair that these women know what they are doing because they will call or text late at night when they know that the man is with his wife.

"They know that the late-night calls will bring an argument and, if continued, it might eventually break them up." She added that she has no problem if a man has a secret relationship, as long as it remains a secret to her.

If your partner is cheating on you and you feel the need to confront the other woman, here are a few things to consider:

1. What does the other person know?

If the other person is in the dark about the nature of your relationship with your spouse, it may help to confront her - create awareness that you are going to put up a fight and that you love your husband.

If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this won't work. In such a situation, the outsider may be able to gain the upper hand by revealing things which make you look foolish and not in control of the situation.

2. Do you know how the other person is likely to respond?

Everyone responds to unexpected confrontation differently. Some will put up a fight, while others will back down or avoid the confrontation altogether.

How people respond during the confrontation doesn't necessarily indicate how they will respond after they have had time to think about what was said. Will confronting the other woman solve the problem or will it fuel the fire? Conflicts are much easier to start than they are to stop. So, unless you have reason to believe that there will be a positive outcome, it may be best to avoid confronting the other woman.

3. How do you think your spouse will respond?

Will your spouse take your side? Will confronting the other woman force your spouse to make a decision? In such situations, it is not realistic to expect your spouse to stay neutral. Moreover, your spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he cares about his lover.

4. Are you confronting the other person as a means of seeking revenge?

Confronting the other woman may bring about a temporary sense of satisfaction but in the long term, it probably does little to help resolve the situation, and it may even complicate matters. So, if you are confronting the other person as a means of venting or releasing anger, there are more productive ways to accomplish this, including counselling or talking it over with a trusted friend.

Names changed.

Additional sources

Do you believe you should confront the other woman? Confront or not at