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Dear Counsellor - Old flame fails to warm my heart

Published:Tuesday | February 9, 2010 | 12:00 AM

Q: I am a 37-year-old female having an affair with the assistant manager at my office, who is 65. On my birthday in 2008, he bought me a watch, and December of the same year he bought me a television. He takes me to work in the mornings. We both live in Portmore but in separate areas.

Counsellor, to tell you the truth, I pretend that I love him but I don't. I do not want anybody at our office to know we are friends. He is also a preacher at his church and he pretends to be holy as, even at work, he takes devotion. I know he is not though, as we are having sex.

He is unable to satisfy me sexually, and I am always faking it just for him to get over and done. I am ashamed when I look at him, as it is like I am having sex with my father. I am just one year older than his daughter. I am embarrassed to be seen with him. Deep down it is killing me.

I have been married before and would like to remarry again, but not to this man as he is too old. Right now, I am just taking what he is giving me.

Counsellor, can you advise me how to get this old, bald-head man out of my life? He needs to go back to the woman in his age group that he had before.

A: Perhaps you are afraid of ending the relationship for a number of reasons. He has power over you, as an assistant manager of the company at which you work, and perhaps can get you fired if you do not conform to a relationship with him, including his sexual demands. However, you need not fear as this could be construed as sexual harassment, and you could get redress, if you end the relationship and he dismisses you. You could take up the matter with the Ministry of Labour, and if you have a trade union, you could talk with a representative.

Significant age difference

You are taking what you can get from him, such as the television and watch, which indicates that you might be in financial need. Hence your staying in the relationship. However, you are not satisfied emotionally, mentally and sexually. Therefore, you need to make up your mind to give up getting a drive to work and other things, and 'die with your dignity'.

You have rightly identified that there is a significant age difference. In 15 years' time, he will be 80 while you will be in your prime. This is a big difference that could challenge you sexually, intellectually and emotionally. Furthermore, it is getting to you mentally in that you do not want to look at him, you are describing him in unflattering ways and he appears as a father figure. It is time to end this torturous relationship. Go and tell him that it is over, and tell him all the reasons you are against the relationship. Tell him all the things you have said in this letter and, hopefully, that should put sense into his head. It is commendable that he remembered your birthday and gave you a gift at Christmas. However, the relationship is draining you and, for your own well-being, you need to end it.

If that does not work, tell him you will report him to his pastor since he is behaving contrary to his Christian principles.

Your desire to get married again is a noble goal. You need to ensure you have learnt the mistakes from the first marriage and this present difficult situation, so you are a better person and, hopefully, have a better relationship.

All the best in ending this relationship and starting a new one that can lead to marriage.

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