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Not up to the task

Published:Monday | March 29, 2010 | 12:00 AM
Sex toys

The Soloist, Contributor

I recently heard about a relatively young man who died during the height of sexual passion induced by the use of that little blue pill. He was having an extramarital affair and not yet 40! My immediate reaction was to ask what is causing so many men to need help with their libido so early in life? I have been hearing of many similar cases of late.

Once upon a time, men relied on good food, lots of carrot and soursop juice, 'strongback' and other roots brews, Irish moss and linseed, copious amounts of cow cod soup, egg and stout drinks, peanut and oats porridge and, just for insurance, they took daily vitamin supplements.

If some horny man was found to have used the notorious Chiney brush to his detriment, he became a laughing stock for weeks. This usually happened if he had to seek medical assistance to lower the 'tent' he'd pitched beneath hospital bed sheets.

Modern times have replaced all those good, old-fashioned boosters with Cialis, Livitra and Viagra. But, alas, there are consequences and, too often, fatal ones.

I have a little word of advice for you men who think your sex life begins and ends in your pants. Give your 'little Willie' a rest. Unleash the fingers, tongue and toys. Get creative. The G-spot does exist, so make an internal anatomical expedition to find it. The exploration can be absolutely wild.

It is a fact that most women never reach a climax while the 'Willie' is inside them; it's clitoral stimulation that works every time, you nitwits. Why don't you play a game from time to time? It goes like this: She comes to bed in the mood and you say, "darling, let me see how many times I can make you orgasm without even taking off my clothes." The object of this game is that at the end of the session, she should not even remember you had a 'teapot'.

This is particularly good for men who are over the hill and having erectile dysfunction problems, (induced by diabetes, hypertension or burnout), but want only women half their age. If you play the game well, you don't have to worry that your underpants are also doubling as a casket!