Wed | May 18, 2022

Role reversal, From his wife to his mistress

Published:Tuesday | May 4, 2010 | 12:00 AM

Dear Counsellor,

I was married to a man for 15 years but, unfortunately, it ended in divorce. We were Christians. He left me for a younger woman and is now married to her. We have two children from the union. They are adults. The last one left the home a year ago.

My ex-husband was a good father, financially, to the children and, in the initial stage, they wanted us to get back together. However, that was not to be. It did not happen, in spite of my best efforts.

Out of the blue, a year ago, we had a chance meeting and he flirted with me. It felt good. It felt like the good old times. Since then, we have been on secret dates. We have kissed intimately and he wants to have sexual intimacy. To be honest, I like the idea and I am willing to restart our sexual relationship.

However, I wonder about my motive. Is it because I want revenge? Or, is it because we have unfinished business? I do have fears and doubts about becoming involved with my ex-husband. I have not been with any one since and, in fact, he was the one who took my virginity.

A You are intending to move from his wife to becoming his mistress. Is that what you really want? It appears your husband thinks the grass is usually greener on the other side. He perhaps has a thing for mistresses. If that is so, it means he is a cheater and has not changed? Perhaps you should ask yourself what is the motive of your ex-husband. Is he a cheater? Does he want to re-engage for egoistical purposes? Is he having issues with his wife? Does he want to prove he can have you if he wishes?

Anyhow, you asked for your possible motive. You asked if you want to become intimate because of revenge. It is natural to be angry at his mistress-turned-wife because she played a role in the break-up of your marriage and family. It may also feel good and give some satisfaction to 'return the favour' to his wife. That is, giving her some of her own medicine.

Perhaps having a fling with your ex-husband may make you feel attractive and wanted but how will you feel if he dumps you for a second time? His return to you is for pleasurable fleeting moments, based on good times and the reality that 'old fire stick easy fi catch'. Obviously, you have a point to prove. However, revenge is never good. It is motivated by hatred and anger. It not only hurts the object of your retaliation but it also will have a boomerang effect on you and may even hurt your reputation and dignity more than his current wife. The satisfaction you may feel will be fleeting. You need to forgive your husband and his wife and move on as quickly as possible.

Perfect wife

It is unclear what unfinished business you are alluding to. However, it is normal to feel that there were other things you should have done in the marriage, believing that if it was done then these things would have preventing the dissolution of the marriage. However, even if you were a perfect wife it does not mean your husband would not have strayed or you would still be married to him. So even if there are unfinished business, you need to realise the marriage has been adjourned and over while he is married to someone else.

Your fears and doubts about re-entering into a sexual relation with your ex-husband are well founded. But, as the dictum states "when in doubt, leave it out".

It seems you are feeling lonely. Perhaps because your nest is empty with the children's departure, you are vulnerable to your former husband. Furthermore, it seems, unconsciously, you have internalised your children's early wish of a reunion with your husband. You are living a pipe dream. You need to 'wake up and smell the coffee' and realise although he has a special place in your sexual history he has moved on and made a decision to be the husband of the other woman. You need to look elsewhere and think of other possible relationships. You stated you are a Christian, so please move away from your now-married ex-husband.

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