Sun | Jun 13, 2021

Neglected by my husband

Published:Tuesday | April 3, 2012 | 12:00 AM

I have been married for six years but the last two years have been painful and difficult. My husband is older than I am and he is disrespectful. He makes good money. He is not academically bright, but he is very street-smart. Since the beginning of the year, he has been texting late at nights, even till one in the morning, and when I talk to him, he says they are just social friends and the text is free. In addition, he is on the computer webcam talking to females while in our bedroom. On Valentine's Day, he received an intimate gift and he says she is just a friend. He did not give me a gift for Valentine's Day and I did not give him one either. I feel neglected and abused. We hardly have sexual intercourse and, in fact, my feelings for him have gone. Sex, therefore, is not enjoyable. He is hardly at home. Then, out of frustration, I called a guy who liked me for a long time before I met my husband and we slept together. To be honest, it was very good and meaningful and my body aches for another sexual encounter. I might be in love. Thankfully, my husband does not know what happened and if it was not for our only child, a daughter, I would have left him from last year. Now I am confused and do not know what to do. I need your help!

A: It is obvious that your marriage is in trouble. Your husband is not behaving properly and your solution is not appro-priate. It is indeed disrespectful for him to be texting so late in the personal space of your bedroom. Furthermore, he is on the computer with a webcam in the marriage space. He has passed his place. He needs to remove the computer from the bedroom. Both of you should agree on a time after which there is no texting unless it is an emergency. You should consider 10 p.m. as a good cut-off time.

It was inappropriate for him to receive an intimate gift on Valentine's Day and it was cheeky for some woman to have sent him a gift. Your husband and this woman are barefaced. They have no shame.

However, the texting, late nights, online contact, no sexual feelings, unfaithfulness, inappropriate gift and no exchange of gifts are symptoms of a problem marriage.

Furthermore, your temporary solution of a sexual tryst with an old flame can lead to more problems. You are now desiring more sexual encounters and you think you might be in love. This outside relationship will complicate the marriage. In any case, your old flame might just be satisfying his curiosity or his ego and may not be in love with you. He might even be thinking that you overlooked him for your husband and may not want a long-term relationship with you.

And even if you are to later form a long-term relationship with him or someone else, you need to end this outside relationship. You have one problem already, you do not need another.

You need also to consider how your marital relationship is affecting your daughter. Would you recommend your behaviour to her? Obviously not, because you do not even want your husband to know.

Both of you need professional counselling and you need to make an appointment as soon as possible.