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Doctor's Advice: She feels she can't touch!

Published:Sunday | April 15, 2012 | 12:00 AM

Q: Hello, Doc. I am a woman who is having a real difficult time. Six months ago, I got married. It was my third time, and his second time.

I love this man and we are pretty happy together. But, there is a BIG problem with sex. I want to get it fixed because sex problems ruined my first two marriages.

You see, Doc, I do like having intercourse with my husband. But I really do not like touching his organ with my hand. I find it quite repulsive!

But he wants me to touch and caress him. He says that "all women do that for their men". Is he right? Are most wives happy about handling their husbands' organs? I find this very difficult to imagine.

Please help me, Doc, because I do not want to experience another broken marriage.

A: Yes, you must take action immediately. Your two previous marriages were clearly ruined by some sexual problem, though you do not say whether it was the same one. And now your present marriage could be heading into difficulties because of the fact that you do not want to touch your husband's penis.

You ask me whether most wives are happy about handling their husbands' organs. To be frank, the answer is 'yes'.

There have been surveys conducted in the United States of America and in England which indicate that most younger women are perfectly happy to give their partners this kind of caress. However, among middle-aged and elderly women, there is definitely not as much as enthusiasm for it. In particular, some females who have been real strictly brought up do often say that they are averse to touching the penis, usually because they regard it as 'dirty'.

I do not know whether your feelings about the male organ date back to your upbringing, and perhaps to something your mother told you when you were small. It may be so.

But the important thing now is to try and put matters right!

So what can you do? First and foremost, you must talk with your new husband about your feelings. Explain to him about the difficulty you are having, and ask him to help you.

Second, I think that the two of you should have quite a few sessions with a good therapist, who can help you to deal with your feelings about the penis. There are various psychological methods of dealing with this aversion, but one popular one is called 'desensitisation'.

In desensitisation therapy, what happens is this. The therapist starts off by getting you to think about something which is not very threatening. In your case, this might be a picture of a non-erect penis, quite a long way away.

Then, over a period of several weeks, the therapist might encourage you to cope with a picture of a penis which is much nearer, then a photo of one that is semi-erect, then of one that is fully erect. Eventually, she might ask you to handle an actual model of a male organ.

All through this 'acclimatisation' process, she would be helping you to relax by means of such techniques as breathing real deeply. Towards the end of the course of therapy, she would (with luck) get you so relaxed about the male organ that you would have no difficulty in touching your husband's penis. I wish you well.

Q:Doc, should a woman climax every time she has sex? I thought that this was so. But my wife only does it maybe 75 per cent of the time.

She says that she is quite happy with this. But is it OK?

A:These days, most 'modern-minded' women would expect to discharge during a sexual encounter. But quite a few don't. If your wife is happy with the current 'strike rate' of around 75 per cent then that is fine.

Q:I have just turned 35. Is it still safe for me to take the Pill?

A:Could be. But there is a tendency for docs to suggest to women of 35-plus that they should switch to some other form of contraception, such as the mini-Pill or the coil. This is because the Pill tends to cause a slight increase in the risk of heart attacks among more mature females.

But it may be OK for you to continue, especially if you are a non-smoker. Please be guided by your own doctor.

Q:I am a man in my late 20s, and recently I have noticed slight difficulty with urination. Could this be prostate trouble, Doctor?

A: Prostate trouble is most unlikely in the late 20s. In your age group, infection is a much more likely cause of urinary infection.

So please go to a doctor for a check-up. Take with you a specimen of your urine in a clean container, so he/she can test it.

Q:I am a woman who is seeking your advice because I am now 33 years old - but look seven to 10 years older. When my sister and I are out together, people think I am her mother. Please advise.

A:Sorry to hear this. There are two 'correctable' factors which make people look older. They are:


Lack of sleep

Cigarette smoke often makes the face wrinkled and makes the skin look older. So if you smoke, you should give up now.

Similarly, lack of sleep makes both men and women look older than their years. So please review your sleep patterns.

Also, it seems to me that it would be a good idea for you to visit a doc for a full check-up and maybe some blood tests, including tests for thyroid function. Thyroid gland problems quite often make women look older than they really are. Good luck.

Q:I am about to have a hysterectomy. Will I still be able to climax afterwards, Doc?

A:Yes, you should be able to do so. The hysterectomy op is a real common one. What the surgeon does is to remove the womb (also known as the uterus or among older people, 'the breeding bag').

He does not remove the vagina. And he does not cut the area of the clitoris. So, most women find that they can orgasm without difficulty after the operation. However, some do report that their orgasms feel somewhat different.

Q:Doctor, I have never been very keen on giving females oral sex, but most women seem to expect it of me these days.

I have now met a wonderful divorced lady, and fallen heavily in love with her. Guess what? She wants me to give her cunnilingus sometimes.

But what I want to know is this. Doc, is there any danger of getting infection from this practice?

A:Just like sexual intercourse, oral sex can sometimes pass on sexually transmitted infections. Also, it may transmit the human papillomavirus which is thought to cause some throat and mouth cancers.

However, if your new 'lady friend' has no infections, then you cannot catch anything from her.

Send questions to: and read more Doctor's Advice in the Saturday Gleaner.