Tue | Jun 22, 2021

Dumped and depressed

Published:Tuesday | May 1, 2012 | 12:00 AM

Q I have been seriously depressed for the past three years. Twelve years ago, I was in a relationship with the perfect man. We were deeply in love. We lived together for a couple of years with the intention to get married. We even bought a small house together. However, it all started to go wrong when I did not get any formal marriage proposal and he stated that he wanted to study overseas and get a degree like myself. He was not willing to make any commitment. I decided to end the relationship and I bought out his half of the house.

He went off to study and, after he graduated, he asked for another chance and we lived together for another time. But it did not last. He dumped me for another woman. I was devastated and have been depressed. I have not worked for the past three years. But even at the workplace I was having serious problems.

The boss and co-workers were plotting against me. I am qualified and a good worker but I was not confirmed in my job, although I was in the position for a few years. I was aware of some of the underhand deals of the boss and staff.

Eventually, I lost the job. Because of all the problems, I now live with my parents and am still in love with this man. I am not able to get over this man. I am not able to get a job either. My parents are very supportive. They think I should talk with a psychologist, but I think I will soon snap out of this depression. What do you think? What should I do?

A Sorry to hear of your torment. You have suffered a double whammy. You have lost the love of your life, and added to that, you lost your job unfairly. However, three years in a state of depression is a long time, especially since it is preventing you from working and functioning normally. And, obviously, your attempts at self-help have not had the desired results.

Your parents must be commended for being so supportive of you, especially since these past traumatic three years. They have reared you from birth and now they are helping you again. You are in a state wherein you are unable to function as you would desire. Their advice that you should consult a professional is quite fitting. They have your best interest at heart, based on their care for you which has gone the extra mile. I would suggest that you consult a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist. These professionals, in addition to diagnosing your situation, can also prescribe drugs if necessary.

There is hope for you. The same strength which enabled you to end the relationship the first time is the same strength that will help you to accept that the relationship is over and make possible your moving on. You need to understand that you deserve better than your boyfriend who dumped and used you. You need to believe that there is a Mr Right who will love you unconditionally and you can love him equally. You also need to realise that there is no perfect man, all have weakness and some have serious flaws and are to be avoided. Perhaps you loved this man more than yourself and herein lies part of your problem. You should love him as you love yourself.

You are talented and educated and obviously have much to contribute to life - yourself, family and nation. You were very wise not to walk away from the house but rather you bought him out. It means you have a lot of potential, waiting to be released. You have the benefit of a strong and stable family support which augurs well for your future. It gives you the freedom to try things even if you make a couple of mistakes along the way. You can become stronger because of this failed relationship, and you have the ability to engage in a more fulfilling relationship. You can become stronger because of a bad work experience and create or find another more empowering job.

Please listen to your parents and consult a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist.