Mon | Feb 6, 2023

DOCTOR'S ADVICE - In love with a younger guy

Published:Sunday | May 6, 2012 | 12:00 AM

Q Doc, I am a woman whose mind is very troubled. I am married, with two young sons and a daughter. I have always been faithful to my husband. He is a good man. And we both love our children. But six months ago, I found myself falling in love with my daughter's teacher. We were working together on a project involving the school, and we ended up spending a lot of time alone in a room with each other. He is much younger than me, but very mature and creative. He is not married.

Over a period of weeks, we found ourselves growing closer. He seemed to like the company of an older, experienced woman like me. We got on wonderfully, and laughed a lot together. Inevitably, there were sparks between us. One day he kissed me, and told me that he loved me. I was just swept away by my feelings, and told him that I loved him too.

A week later, we went to bed together. It was wonderfully romantic, and he seemed to know instinctively how to satisfy me. After that, we had sex once or twice a week, at times when I knew that there was no danger that my husband would come home. This was the most exciting period of my whole life, Doctor.

But last week, the bombshell fell. When no one else was around, he took me to somewhere quiet to have a talk. What he told me has really shattered me. He said that he had to bring an end to our relationship because it was likely to get him into big trouble with his career. Also, he revealed to me that he is bisexual.

In fact, he said that he has had many sexual partners, both male and female. And apparently, he has been dating another young man, at the same time as he was having a relationship with me. It seems like the other guy knew about me, and was very jealous. So it is all over, Doctor. I am distraught, and cannot sleep at night. I also wonder if I have run any medical risks from going to bed with a bisexual guy?

A This is indeed a sad story. It is nearly always tough for a mature woman when her younger lover leaves her. But you must try and put all thoughts of this guy behind you, and move on.

I have to say that to have continued the relationship with this teacher would have been disastrous. People would surely have found out about it, and the effect on the school and on your children and your husband would have been appalling. That is nearly always so in these parent-teacher romances.

I remember a similar instance in which a woman fell in love with her children's teacher and moved in with him. He lost his job, she had a nervous breakdown, her husband tried to kill himself, and her children were very badly traumatised. At least you have avoided that type of thing.

Turning to medical matters, affaires do always expose people to the risk of sexually transmitted infections, particularly chlamydia. But there is an additional complication in this case because your young ex-lover is bisexual. He also seems to be quite a promiscuous man.

Therefore, I am afraid that there has to be some risk of HIV. I am not saying that it is an enormous risk, but it certainly exists! So, there is no doubt that you should go to a doctor and ask her to do a test for chlamydia. You should also have a blood test for HIV. I hope that the results will be negative.

Finally, it seems to me from the tone of your email that you are, understandably, pretty depressed by what has happened. Please, ask the doc whether you should have some medication to help you get over this difficult time. She may also recommend some counselling.

Q. I am a man who got divorced when I was in my 20s. I would now like to get married again, and have children. But is there a decline in fertility as a man gets older?

A. Very little. Many men have fathered babies at very great ages. It is sometimes claimed that centuries ago, a man called Old Thomas Parr became a baby-father at the age of 100. Whatever age you are, you should not have much difficulty in getting your bride pregnant. I wish you both well.

Q. Why have my periods suddenly become painful at the age of 33? I never had this trouble before. Is it all in the mind?

A. It is definitely NOT all in the mind. When a woman suddenly starts having menstrual pain during her 30s, there is nearly always some gynaecological problem present. Statistically, the likeliest disorder is one called endometriosis. Please consult a gyno right away.

Q. I am 28, and have slept with a lot of women in my life. Now I have a small sore on the shaft of my penis. Could this be cancer, Doc? I have heard where cancer of the penis is linked to sexual activity.

A.Cancer of the penis has NO connection at all with sex. It mainly occurs in men who have never washed themselves in that area of the body. And it is almost unknown in men of 28. Clearly, you must show this sore to a doc, so that he can diagnose it. But there is virtually no chance that it is cancerous.

Q I am in love with an American girl, aged 22. But we have not had sex. In fact, she says that she has never had intercourse because she has something called vaginismus. Is that serious, Doc? Can it be treated? I would like us to marry and have children.

A. Vaginismus is a psychological condition. It is a sort of muscle contract in which everything tightens up whenever the time any approach is made to the vagina. It is NOT the woman's fault. Yes, it can treated successfully. So this young woman should consult a gynaecologist who is interested in dealing with psychological problems. The gyno will teach her how to relax completely, using techniques such as deep breathing. She should then be able to have sexual intercourse without difficulty.

Q While on a visit to the Caymans, I had sex several times with a most beautiful young woman. We are still in email correspondence, and I am hopeful of getting her to come to Jamaica, and maybe marrying her. Unfortunately, a few days after I got back I developed a whitish penile discharge, which is constantly staining the inside of my pants. Why?

A You undoubtedly have some sort of urethritis, which is inflammation of the urinary pipe. Presumably you picked it up from the lady in the Caymans. So you need to see a doc and have tests and a course of antibiotics. You should also email your Caymanian lady-love to tell her that she needs treatment too.

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