Sun | Jun 13, 2021

Doctor's Advice - My husband cheated

Published:Sunday | May 27, 2012 | 12:00 AM

QDoctor, I cannot understand what has got into my husband. We have been married for 10 years, and I have always regarded him as a good and faithful man. I love him, and he says he loves me.

But last month, while I was away in the country visiting my sister, he apparently met an attractive tourist and agreed to show her round town. Somehow, he ended up going to bed with her. Fortunately, she went home to her country the next day. But a friend of mine saw her coming out of our house in the early morning, and told me about it.

When I asked my husband if he had slept with that woman, he did not deny it. He looked very embarrassed, and said that he was very sorry, and begged me to believe that 'it would never happen again'. He said that she was very beautiful, and that he just 'gave in'. We both ended up in tears. Since then, I have tried to forgive him, but it is very difficult. We have not spoken about it during the last four weeks. Why did he do this awful thing, Doctor?

A. Well, you have learned a hard, but important lesson here. I must tell you that it is a sad fact that many men, though not all, think that although they love their wives, it is OK to go in for a little cheating if the opportunity arises.

What these men do is to mentally 'compartmentalise' their lives. They think that in one compartment is the wife and family, but that in another, it is possible to have other women who are there purely for sex.

When these men are caught, they usually tell the wife things like:

  • 'It meant nothing to me; it was just sex'.
  • 'This will have no effect whatever on our marriage'.
  • 'I couldn't help it; she was just so sexy'.
  • 'But it's you I love, darling'.

I must stress that not all men think like this. There are husbands who would not cheat on their wives ever! But alas, there are a lot of guys who are a lot like your spouse.

What can you do now? Presumably, you want to save your marriage. So the first thing you must do is to change that policy of 'not talking about it'. The two of you must discuss this affair - and why it happened. Both of you may be able to come up with some stratagems to try and ensure that this sort of thing doesn't happen again.

The second thing which I think you should do is to have some sessions with a good marriage counsellor. She will certainly have vast experience dealing with such a common situation. Like a lot of men, your husband may be reluctant to go to the marriage counsellor, but it is his duty to do so. After all, it was he who caused this problem!

Q. I have suddenly 'lost my nature', and I have been told that I could have those tablets that allow a man to have erections again. But I understand that there are three of them, and I would like to know which is the best.

A. I hope that you have been checked out by a doctor in order to try and find out why you have this problem with erectile dysfunction (ED).

Yes, there are indeed three good drugs available for men with this problem. They are Viagra, Cialis and Levitra. They all work very well. To be honest, there is no 'best' drug among them. So I would just recommend trying whichever one your doctor suggests, and see how things go. However, Cialis does have one major 'plus point'. Unlikely the other two, its effect lasts for many hours.

Q. Doctor, is it possible for a woman who is in her late 30s to get pregnant, even though she has never had a child? I took an ultrasound test, which shows that everything is OK. My partner is 27.

A. ell, then he should have a lot of good, strong-swimming sperms. As it relates to you, the fact that you have a normal ultrasound scan does not rule out all possible problems, but it is a hopeful sign.

I would suggest that the best thing to do now is to find out if you are still ovulating. You should also establish what day ovulation occurs. Your own doctor should be able to help you with this. Also, it would be worth buying an ovulation kit from a pharmacy. Once you know what your ovulation day is, then try to have sex with your partner on that date. Good luck.

Q. I took a circumcision operation as a child, and it has left me with a bumpy, jagged remnant of skin. This makes it very uncomfortable to have sex. What can I do, Doctor?

A. nfortunately, the circumcision op does sometimes go wrong, particularly if the surgeon is not very skilled. Clearly, the scar didn't heal well, and this is affecting your sex life.

My advice is to consult either a urologist or a plastic surgeon. It should be possible for this expert to trim the excess skin away, and to stitch the tissues up so that everything is OK. In the meantime, you should use a good lubricant whenever you have sex.

Q. y husband has to take a sperm test, but he is reluctant. This is because he is too embarrassed to face the person that he has to give the sperm to. Could he post it, or something? Any suggestions, Doctor?

A. This is a common problem. What is vitally important for your husband to realise is that the seminal fluid must be delivered to the lab fresh.

So it is no good putting it in the mail. He needs to produce it shortly before it is delivered to the lab - say, 30 minutes before. Also, it is important that the lab has a technician on duty who can look at the specimen immediately. It is not good enough to have it lying around for hours before someone examines it.

I suggest you go to a doctor who is used to doing sperm tests, and who has good links with the laboratory. He will give you a wide-necked glass container which is easy for a man to discharge into.

Ask the doctor if he will make an appointment with the lab, scheduling a time when the seminal fluid can be delivered to them. Your husband could then produce the specimen in some discreet place, like in a car parked near the hospital.

As he is so embarrassed about delivering the seminal fluid, there is no reason why you shouldn't carry it into the lab for him. But make sure that you take with you the 'request form' which your doctor will fill in and sign. I hope everything works out for the two of you.