Sun | Jun 13, 2021

Dear Doctor - My husband is cyber cheating

Published:Sunday | June 10, 2012 | 12:00 AM

Q: Doctor, I have a big problem with my husband. I have always felt that he was a faithful and loyal man. Until last month, I would have said that he was a man who would never looked at another woman. We have a good sex life, and I try to keep him busy in bed, if you know what I mean. I have never taken an interest in any other male since the day we got married.

But recently, I have found that my man has been accessing pornography on the Internet. A friend of mine told me that it was possible to find out a man's browsing history. So just for a joke, one day while he was out, I sat down in front of his computer screen, and did just that.  I wish I had not done it! You see, it revealed that he had looked at around half a dozen 'porn sites' in the last month. They had titles like: 'Busty Girl Gets Laid' and 'Beautiful Women Having Sex'.

Doctor, I was appalled. I cannot see why my man would want to look at such things when he has me to look at! Am I failing him sexually? Or is he some kind of pervert? Is he addicted?

Well, I do not think we can describe your husband as a pervert because of the fact that statistics show that millions of men look at these sites sometimes. Surprisingly, so do a lot of women.

Nor do I feel that we can describe him as addicted because apparently, he has only accessed around six websites in a month, which does not suggest an obsessive interest.

Wives are often bewildered when they find out that their husbands have been looking at naked girls on the screen. They feel that their spouses have been unfaithful. But you may be surprise to learn that many men do not view the situation that way.

I have often encountered men who regard themselves as totally faithful to their wives, and who would not dream of going to bed with another woman. Yet, from time to time, they look at pornographic material on the Internet. They regard this as just a normal male thing.

Far from unusual

I am not here to make moral judgements. All I can say to you is that your husband is far from unusual. It is probable that he loves you deeply, and does not want to do anything that would hurt you.

Regarding this situation, usually, I would say that when a wife catches her husband watching porn, she should get him to sit down with her and talk over the matter in some depth. But you have a slightly difficult situation here, because of the fact that you have used subterfuge to check out his browsing history.

If you tell him that you have invaded the privacy of his computer, it is possible that he might get mad. And that would not help the two of you to have any reasoned discussion!

Discuss the matter

So my best suggestion is that one evening, you should just settle down with him and ask him directly what he thinks about pornography on the Internet. You could say to him that you have heard various things from your friends, and you would like to know more, especially about whether it is addictive.

With luck, your husband will answer you honestly, and tell you that he has looked at some. You can then move the discussion on from there. On the other hand, if he absolutely denies ever looking at the material, then it will be difficult to make progress. If that happens, I feel you should seek the advice of an experienced marriage counsellor.

Finally, I do not think there is the slightest evidence that you are failing him sexually. Many wives start blaming themselves when their husbands access pornography. But there is no reason at all for you to think that what has happened is your fault.

Q: When I was working in the construction industry in England, I got a vasectomy. Now I have met a beautiful girl here in Jamaica. We have fallen in love, and we would like to get married and have children. But should I tell her I have had a vasectomy? And is there any way I could get it reversed, so we can have children?

One thing is certain, you must tell her that you have had a vasectomy. To avoid doing so would be unfair to her. Also, it could actually provide legal grounds for an annulment or a divorce because of the fact that you got married to her under false pretences.

It is possible for a surgeon to reverse a vasectomy, but frankly the results are not very good. All too often, this type of surgery fails.

If you decide to try it, I would suggest that you find a specialist who has done these reversal operations several times and therefore knows precisely what he is doing. You would have to go to America or England to find someone who has vast experience in this particular operation.

Q: I am ashamed to say that I had a lover last year. Our relationship lasted only two months, but the great thing was that he knew exactly how to give me an orgasm. My husband has not shown any interest in doing that. Do you have any solution, Doctor?

I feel you should sit down with your husband and tell him that you are a woman who needs to have her frustrations relieved by regular orgasms. Explain to him that you can show him exactly how to make you have one. And tell him you would like him to follow your instructions in bed. I hope he will agree. If not, then the outlook for your marriage cannot be too good.

Q: Recently, I had at 'prostate blood test'. I think it is called a 'PSA'. My doctor told me that that the result was 'too high'. So he did it again. Fortunately, this time it was reported as 'normal'. But I do not understand why the first reading was so high.

It sounds like you had one of the 'false positives' that are often associated with the PSA test. The result can be artificially raised by a lot of things. For instance, the PSA will usually go up if the man has had sexual intercourse shortly before. Subject to what your own doctor thinks, I feel that all you need to do is to have another PSA test in maybe a year's time.

Q: I believe my mother passed away because of cancer of the ovary. So what are the symptoms to look out for?

Persistent pain, swelling and 'bloating' in the lower part of the abdomen. Any woman over 30 who has those symptoms needs to check for ovarian cancer.

Send your questions to editor@gleanerjm.com and read more Doctor's Advice in the Saturday Gleaner.