Sun | Jun 13, 2021

Dear Doc - Is my wife a lesbian?

Published:Sunday | June 17, 2012 | 12:00 AM

Q: Doctor, what must I do about my wife, who is exhibiting lesbian tendencies? We have been happily married for 13 years, and we have two children. As far as I am concerned, our sex life has always been great. We were both virgins when we met, so we learned to explore our bodies together. I just love having sex with her. It is truly satisfying.

She, too, seems to like sex a lot. I notice that she sometimes discharges when I reach my orgasm, though not always. I have always been aware that she has an appreciation of the charms of other women. For instance, she likes watching 'bathing beauty' contests, and she tends to say things like, 'What a lovely girl. I'd love to give her a great big hug'.

Well, I paid that sort of comment no mind for many years. But last month, I came home early from work and found her in bed with her closest female friend who is, by the way, an extremely attractive lady. It was a big shock, Doctor.

My wife tried to brazen it out, and said things like, 'We were both a little tired because of the heat and decided to take a rest together'. But eventually her friend gave up the pretence and said to me, 'I am not going to deceive you. We were having sex'. Then she kissed my wife goodbye and left.

Then we had a big argument, Doc. To begin with, my wife pretended that it had only happened once. But after 10 minutes or so, she cracked and revealed that over the last year, she has been going to bed with her friend around twice per month.

We both cried a lot, but l told her I loved her, and she said she loved me. So we made it up, and the afternoon ended with the two of us going back to bed and having sexual intercourse. I was surprised to find that it was unusually exciting.

Since then, we have been getting on reasonably well, and having sex regularly. But she has made it very clear to me that she still has warm feelings for her friend. In fact, she says that she would like to go to bed with that other lady now and then when I am out at work.

All this has left me really confused, Doc. So could you answer some questions for me, please? Firstly, is my wife really a lesbian? Or is she just playing at it? Is there anything I could do to make her give up lesbian habits and just have sex with me? And finally, do I have grounds for divorce?

A: Well, you say that you love your wife. So are you sure that you really want to consider divorcing her? If so, I must inform you that just as heterosexual adultery provides grounds for divorce, so too does sex with a person of the same gender.

In other words, you could indeed cite her lesbian affaire as the reason why you want to end the marriage. However, there is one legal complication. I am not a lawyer, but from my experience of medical cases involving infidelity, I can tell you that the court might possibly rule that you condoned your wife's unfaithfulness by having sex with her AFTER you discovered what she was up to.

Next, you ask whether she is really a lesbian, or whether she is just playing at it. My opinion is that your wife is probably bisexual. Some women are like that, and swing both ways.

Also, you wish to know whether you could get her to give up lesbian habits. That might be difficult. I don't think that any kind of psychotherapy would make her straight. Nor is there any medication that would get rid of her lesbian drives.

Nevertheless, if you can show great tenderness, love and compassion towards her, there is a chance that she may decide that her future lies with you, and not with her attractive girlfriend. The advice of a marriage guidance counsellor may help you here.

To conclude, I note that you say that she sometimes discharges when you are having sex. This strongly suggests to me that you should pay more attention to using love-play techniques to ensure that she has very regular orgasms. I must warn you that many lesbians are very good at the art of sex play, using the fingers and lips. You need to make yourself just as expert at these arts if you want to keep your wife.

Q. There has been a lot of rats round our area, and I am terrified that one of them might bite my penis in the night. Is this likely, Doc?

A. Rats do not often make unprovoked attacks on human beings. And so far, I have not encountered a case where one bit a guy's organ. If you did get bitten anywhere on your body, wash the bite immediately with plenty soap and water. And see a doc as soon as possible for advice about the infection called leptospirosis. Finally, make sure that there is no trash near your house, particularly rubbish with food in it. That is what usually attracts rodents.

Q.  I am female and 33 years old, and I think that I may be ruining my marriage. Why? Because I have no appetite for sex anymore. It's like I have to force myself to do it.  My husband is understanding, but his patience is wearing out. Don't get me wrong: we do have sex once or twice per week, or at the most, three times. But we used to do it five times a week. Someone gave me the drug Stimuloton, but it did no good and made me feel sick.

A. I have altered one or details of your email, so you will not be recognised. Stimuloton is an anti-depressant, so it wouldn't do any good, except for someone who is depressed. However, it is possible that you have a depressive illness, and you should talk that over with a doc. I feel that sexually you are asking a little much of yourself. I would not expect a woman in her 30s to regularly have sex five times a week. Statistics show that the average in your age group is around twice per week.

It seems likely that some emotional factor has affected you and diminished your sex drive. So I would strongly recommend that you try to find a good therapist or counsellor who is interested in marriage problems. Your husband should come along with you when you consult her. Good luck.

Q. I went to bed with a girl in Black River a few weeks ago. Ever since then, Doc, I have had rampaging erections which won't go down. Is this some form of VD?

There is no sexually transmitted infection which produces that symptom. My best guess is that you are getting these erections because subconsciously you are thinking about the beautiful girl in Black River. However, you should see a doc to have your organ checked out.

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