Dear Doc: My fiancé cannot climax

Q. Good morning, Doctor, I just got engaged to a man who is the same age as me, 30. He says he loves me, and I think I am growing to love him.

When I met him, I heard that he was very popular with certain women because of his abilities 'in the sack'. So I must confess that I was expecting him to give me a good time.

Well, Doc, on the first occasion that we slept together, I was very impressed by how attentive he was to my needs and his skills. That was a big difference from my previous boyfriend who could not have cared less about MY satisfaction!

He made love to me for two to three hours, during which I orgasmed repeatedly. I was pretty pleased with my choice of fiancé.

But one thing puzzled me, he did not orgasm. The same thing happened at our next meeting - and the next. I thought this was strange.

So I asked why he had not 'discharged', and he just said, 'That's not part of my scene, baby'.

So I made a few discreet enquiries and it appeared that the same thing was true with his previous girlfriends. He had given them great pleasure, but he did not actually climax.

Doctor, I am bewildered by this. Is he a homosexual or something? Or am I just not attractive enough for him?

And, most important, should I go ahead with the wedding? It is only three months away now.

A I think you should postpone this wedding immediately, until everything has been sorted out.

Your fiancé is definitely not a homosexual. And I certainly don't believe that it is because he does not find you attractive.

The truth is that he almost certainly has a well-known male sexual dysfunction called 'Retarded Ejaculation' or 'RE'.

'RE' is a psychological condition in which a man cannot 'let himself go' and climax inside a woman. He can usually orgasm when he is outside the vagina, but not inside.

Men who have RE are often very popular with women, simply because of the fact that they can go on for as long as the woman wants. Two hours is quite common. But eventually, women start to notice that they are incapable of having an orgasm.

Now I do feel that if you went ahead and married this man, your sexual life could eventually become rather frustrating. Also, there is the question of children! If you wanted to have children, your husband simply could not give that to you because he could not ejaculate inside you. The only way in which pregnancy could be achieved would be by artificial insemination of his sperm.

The good news is that his condition can be treated by a skilled psycho-sexual therapist. Your fiancé would have to go to one for months, preferably accompanied by you. There would be no guarantee that it would be successful, but the odds are that, eventually, he would be able to climax inside you, and thus you could have children if you want.

As is so often the case, what is urgently needed now is communication. The two of you need to have a frank talk. Please tell him that you are distressed by the fact that he has not climaxed with you and inform him that you have been told that he must have retarded ejaculation.

A lot depends on his response. If he acknowledges that he has a problem and is willing to seek therapy, then there will be some hope for your relationship. But if he refuses to admit that anything is wrong with him, then I think it would be crazy to continue with your plans to marry him.

Can a woman orgasm by just penetration?

Q Dear Doc, I am a 28-year-old man and I have very little experience with sex because I am very shy and had a very strict upbringing. So could you please explain something to me?

Am I right in thinking that, if I have sexual intercourse with a beautiful woman, that will automatically make her orgasm?

AI feel that you urgently need more information about sex, otherwise you are going to find it difficult to establish a long-term relationship with a woman. In the library and in bookshops, there are excellent books about human sexuality. You can also find a lot of good advice on the Internet. For instance, try the website: www.christian-marriage-today.com.

Now, as it relates to this question of female orgasm: like a lot of men in their 20s, you have this completely wrong.

The idea that a woman should be able to orgasm just because a man has intercourse with her is absolutely false. Recent research has shown that what women's magazines advice columnists have been saying for years is true. Intercourse alone does not generally make a woman climax. It may work, but in the majority of cases it won't.

The truth is that most women need a great deal of stimulation of their clitoris if they are going to reach a climax. Clitoral stimulation can sometimes be provided by intercourse, particularly if the man 'rides high', so that his body is pretty far up the bed. (This is called the 'CAT' position, and you can easily find it on the Internet).

But as a rule, a male has to put in quite a bit of 'fingerwork' on the clitoris in order to make his partner orgasm.

So there is some useful basic information about sex for you. Now it is up to you to get reading!

My husband's penis is discoloured

Q.My husband has been away on what he said was a 'business trip' to Central America. But when he came back last week, I was alarmed to notice that he had got some kind of blue discolouration on his penis, like it had been painted.

It is fading rapidly, but I did not like the look of it! So I have not allowed him to have sex with me while it is there.

Doctor, what do you think is the explanation for this?

AIn the country that your husband visited, doctors sometimes still use an old-fashioned skin application for genital infections. They call it 'violeta de genciana' which translated into English means, 'gentian violet'. It is bright blue.

So I do not know what your spouse has been up to. But I don't think you should let him have sex with you until he has been to a Jamaican doctor and had a check-up for sexual infections.

Niagra vs Viagra

Q. I am a 40-year-old man and I have been offered some tablets called 'Niagra'.

Is this the same as Viagra, doc?

A.No. Niagra is just a herbal preparation. It definitely doesn't contain Viagra.