The commandments of World Cup football
Alicia Morgan Bromfield, Guest Columnist
We are in the month of June - a month known for wedding bliss, blushing brides and gallant grooms. It is a month known for backyard barbecues, family fiestas, and exhilarating escapades. But, this June of 2014 is not the ordinary June, and I'm afraid I must inform/remind you otherwise. Sadly ... .
I think it's time you know the 'Round Truth'. For the next 30 days or so, you will take on a significantly less important role in the lives of your boyfriends, husbands, hunnies, chupsies, bupsies or whatever you want to call your football fanatic man.
Please know that he will not look at you unless you look like a football or the TV screen. He will not dream or fantasise about you either; it will be about the next match or how the match was lost.
He will not care that your hair needs to be done, what you are wearing, or what you are cooking. Just make sure that you are dressed sexily enough for his jealous male friends to ogle at but be sure not to wear that impy skimpy jeans shorts with the frayed threads when his frenzied overgrown, rowdy friends disguised as men are there. (That's only for him - if he finds the time). So, according to the World Governing Body of Ladies with Football Fanatic Men (LFFM), here are the THE COMMANDMENTS OF THE WCF from the men to you:
1. Thou shalt not complain if every day before you even wake, the house is full of overgrown, rowdy, frenetic boys disguised as men.
2. Thou shalt not come in the TV room for any reason unless it is to stack the fridge with more beers and take out the empties.
3. Thou shalt ensure that no matter the state of the room after the day's game, the room is cleaned and prepared for the beginning of the match the next day.
4. Thou shalt not awaken him to ask what he would like for breakfast, lunch or dinner; just make sure he's awake before the next match; the meal is cooked before the next match; it is a healthy, hefty serving and served hot before the next match.
5. Thou shalt cook a whole lot more than usual and more regularly than is the norm as more overgrown, rowdy, frenetic boys disguised as men will drop in before, during and after the matches, and they will need to eat. Jumping to one's feet or hanging one's head in defeat uses up a lot of calories.
6. Thou shalt not worry if you don't know half of these overgrown, rowdy, frenetic boys disguised as men that stop by your house, because he won't know half of them either. They know about football, and that's all that matters.
7. Thou shalt not forget anything at the supermarket or at your mother's and have the temerity to ask him to go and get it. He will serve you divorce papers for that.
8. Thou shalt make sure you drop off and pick up the kids every morning and evening, help them with homework, attend all functions such as class plays and PTA meetings and do all the chores that he would normally do around the house. Don't worry about the kids after school games - those are all cancelled, as all coaches are in somebody's TV room - maybe even yours.
9. Thou shalt not complain if he cannot go with you on those doctor's visits, the Lamaze classes, or go with you to visit your mother. All of these he did between August 2000 and June 11, 2014.
10. Thou shalt not conceive the idea that you are going to wreak revenge by calling his boss to enlighten him that your husband is not attending his great-grandma's funeral in the country, as is written in his letter of request for leave of absence, and inform instead that he is acting as an overgrown, rowdy, frenetic boy disguised as a man with all his male friends and a few apparently conspiring females. Don't get any of your wild ideas where these females are concerned - they are just that - females. Football females.
11. Thou shalt not be very surprised if calls/emails to his boss go unanswered as his boss and yours could very well be in your TV room. Look closer the next time you bring in the beers.
12. Thou shalt not tell any of his friends who support an opposing team how he bawled like a baby when his team fell out of the competition, or, like my friend Mark from the USA says, "Tell him that it's just a game if his team loses."
13. Thou shalt do all the things you have always wanted to do with any of your girlfriends, but make damned sure no males are involved, especially your ex - or else! And most important, as my friend Tyrone in the USA adds:
14. Thou shalt not 'lock shop' on him at nights after his overgrown, rowdy, frenetic boys disguised as men have left and he needs company, or he may move to the 'Land of Salsa' where certain things prohibited in Jamaica are quite legal there.
15. Finally, thou shalt not let him know that your frequent visits to the TV room is not out of concern to see if the fridge needs restocking nor jealousy for his female femmes fatales footballers; it's your opportunity to take glorious glances at the TV screen to see the heavenly display of toned triceps, amazing abs, bulging biceps, male magnificence ... all in the name of WCF.
LFFM, please feel free to add those commandments your boyfriend, honey, husband, chupsie, bupsie or whatever you call him has added. My male friends, have I learnt well from my own frenetic, frenzied, football fanatic husband?