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DOCTOR'S ADVICE - Is oral sex grounds for divorce?

Published:Sunday | June 29, 2014 | 12:00 AM

Q: Doctor, I am ashamed to say that, while my husband was away for the night, I kissed and flirted with another man who is a friend of ours. In fact, I actually gave him oral sex. All I can say in my defence is that he had poured me several glasses of wine, so I was not thinking clear when I decided to 'go down' on him. What I would want to know is if that would be grounds for my husband to divorce me?

A: I am sorry to hear about this unfortunate event. Your story is a warning to others. People should beware having too much alcohol, as it can make them do things that they would not under normal circumstances. Countless men and women have broken their normal rules of sexual conduct just because they have had a few glasses of wine or other forms of alcohol.

As it relates to the question of divorce, these days, the only grounds for accessing divorce in Jamaica are what is called 'irretrievable breakdown of the marriage'. The current legal situation is quite different from what it used to be when a single act of adultery was enough to give a spouse grounds for terminating a marriage.

I do not know if oral sex was sufficient grounds for divorce years ago, but by itself it certainly does not today. The court has to be satisfied that the marriage is broken beyond repair.

What interests me is why you have asked me this question about divorce. Are you and your husband having trouble? Are there a lot of fusses and disagreements? Has either of you threatened to end the marriage? Has your mutual sex life gone wrong?

If the answer to any of these questions is 'Yes', then I urge you to seek marital counselling right away. You will not have to disclose what happened during your night of illicit passion.

Q: My wife is claiming that I have premature ejaculation (PE). Her reason for saying this is that I always discharge within a minute of entering her.  But I would have thought that was pretty normal, don't you, Doc?

A: No, I don't. These days, most women expect intercourse to go on far longer than a minute. So I suggest you see your doctor and get some treatment to prolong the time that you can 'last'.  It is common for marriages to break up because of PE. Don't let that happen to you.

Q: Doctor, I have been diagnosed as having fibroids. But nobody has told me what a fibroid is. And will it interfere with my sex life?

A: Well, fibroids are very common, especially in Jamaica. Some authorities say that an amazing 80 per cent of women will get a fibroid at some time in their lives - though most of them will be unaware of the fact.

Fibroids are benign (that is, non-cancerous) swellings that develop in the muscular wall of the womb. Their cause is not known. Some of them are so small that you can hardly see them. Others are the size of a cricket ball, or even bigger.  They are most commonly found in women aged 30 to 50. Often, they produce no symptoms at all. But they can cause:

  • Bellyache;
  • Heavy menses;
  • Urinary symptoms;
  • Backache;
  • Discomfort during deep sexual penetration.

The odds are that your fibroids will not interfere with your sex life. But if they do, it can be treated.

Q: I am a happily married man, but I am rather concerned about the fact that I occasionally have erotic dreams which involve lesbianism. In these dreams, I am usually watching two beautiful women having sex with each other. Sometimes, I seem to be trying to join in.  Very rarely, the dream ends with me having an orgasm in my sleep. My wife woke me up during one of these climaxes, but when I told her what had happened, she did not seem to mind.  But I am wondering if the dreams indicate some 'kinkiness' or even homosexuality in my psychology? Also, could a doctor give me some pills to stop these lesbian dreams?

A: I don't think you have anything to worry about. It is a well-known fact that, for some reason, many men are 'turned on' by the idea of lesbian sex. That is the reason why a very high percentage of pornography films feature what is referred to as 'girl-girl action'.

So it is not surprising that you occasionally have these dreams. This is definitely not a sign of homosexuality!  I am afraid that no doctor could possibly prescribe any medication that would stop these dreams. My best advice is to ignore them.

Q: Doc, my womb and part of my vagina seem to be 'coming down'. Could this be a prolapse?

A: Possibly, especially if you have had several children. Prolapse is a kind of 'descent' of the womb, caused from weakening of the muscles. Occasionally, it can be treated by wedging a special medical device inside the vagina.  But, generally, women with a prolapse need to have to put everything back in its place The results are usually very good, so no need to worry.

Q: I am a 28-year-old man and I have sex with my girlfriend regularly. We have read about using something called 'coitus interruptus' for contraception.  What is it? And how reliable is it, Doc?

A: This term means 'withdrawal', or pulling out just before the man orgasms.  Most experts think that it's not a good idea because, quite often, it leads to pregnancy. However, I have to admit that it is better than nothing. Another problem is that it is rather frustrating for both the man and woman.

Q: My husband is French and sometimes when we are having sex he likes to touch my bottom.  Is this illegal, as I have heard? And are there any health risks, Doc?

A: Well, anal intercourse is illegal, even between husband and wife. But touching the bottom is not. It is known by the French term 'postillionage'.  Yes, there are some health risks, because the anus is a part of the body which often contains germs. So it is very important that your husband washes his hands after doing this to you. Otherwise, he could transfer germs to your vaginal area and thus cause problems like cystitis.

Q: I will be hitting the big '4-0' shortly, and my doctor wants me off the Pill. She says that it would be safer for me to take the 'mini-Pill'.  What is your opinion of that, Doc?

A: For most women over the age of 35, the mini-Pill is indeed safer than the ordinary Pill. This is because it carries much less risks of thrombosis.