Wed | Apr 24, 2019

Short of a length

Published:Saturday | March 14, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Small though it may be, even tiny some may say, it is widely held and generally acknowledged that the penis mightier than the sword. No, that is not a typo, and my spellchecker has decided that it is indeed a word, an honourable word, one of long standing some say.

What comes next in this article, while factual, topical and in some ways funny, may be embarrassing to some of us, so I would suggest that if you lack the mightiness of a small stiletto, much less a sword, withdraw at once. It is quite easy for someone like you and would not make the least bit of a difference. But then again, who knows?

It all began with a British survey, not of the vast stretches of empire and the land they grabbed in India and Africa, even the Caribbean, but about average penis sizes.

The Time Out London blog asked you to Hear This, "If you've always wondered/worried about the average penis size, allow us to shrink your fears. New research from King's College London and the South London and Maudsley NHS Foundation Trust has just revealed that the average male appendage is 3.6 inches when soft and 5.2 when hard. They measured more than 15,000 chaps of all races and ages and discovered that the average flaccid penis' girth was 3.7 inches and 4.6 when erect. The aim of the study was to help inform counselling for guys who are anxious about the size of their schlong and to make people feel more normal."

The blog then added, "But maybe we shouldn't be trying to make people feel like they're okay because they're Mr Average and instead we should be concentrating on praising the idiosyncrasies of all sizes - small, tall and everything in-between. That's where The Big Small Penis Party comes in."

Some men have told me that their ladies, to reassure them, have told them consolingly, "Don't worry, darling, size isn't everything," but may have said beneath their breaths, "it is the only thing." There is even a joke about what you call a woman who goes for the minuscule instead of the maxi. Hopefully, your girlfriend.

Anyhow, given that there was a Brooklyn, New York, precedent for a 'small penis celebration', a poet named Ant Smith, whose seminal work 'Little Dick', which detailed his physical shortcomings, was picked up by the national press in Britain, decided to hold the 'first ever conference for the celebration and acceptance of small penises everywhere!' in London.

Before you go to the Internet and start booking your ticket, the event was held last Saturday, March 7, at the Rhythm Factory in Whitechapel, which was supposed to have been "transformed into an open, accepting, silly and fun night of comedy, cabaret and goodness knows what else in honour of 'tiny todgers, compact cocks, wee willies, mini members, and dinky dicks'."

According to the pre-conference publicity, men and women were welcome and the door price was 50p per claimed phallic inch (for men) and 50p per preferred phallic inch (for women). According to Time Out London, "It's true what they say, great things do come in small packages."

One of my friends said sarcastically, "Tony, you should have gone. They would have let you in free."

Martha Alexander, writing for ASKMEN (Become A Better Man), was there and filed this report: "It's Saturday evening around 7 p.m., and after only one gin and tonic, I find myself surrounded by a handful of completely naked men. Some are young, some are old. Some are fat, some are thin. Some are dancing. One has an elaborate network of chains dangling from his goolies. But they all have one thing in common: They all have small penises. I'm at the Big Small Penis Party in East London, the first event staged to celebrate men whose cocks are smaller than average - that is, since you ask, shorter than five inches when in party mode."

Ms Alexander highlighted the extremely important point that "it's not just men with small penises that worry about them. In fact, men who are average-sized (between five and six inches when erect) are more likely to suffer from anxiety over their genitals" and "that's a hell of a lot of worry for a hell of a lot of men."

She pointed out, "This kind of image neurosis is typically considered a female issue: we're always being told either directly or via the media that we are too fat or too thin or too hairy or too flat-bottomed ... . Lots of us will only have sex in a bra so our lovers won't think we have saggy udders attached to our chests ... . The list is soul destroying. But for the most part, society thinks body shaming is something that only really affects women."

While reaching an agreement with Ant Smith, the organiser, that men and women could work together to fight 'body shaming', Ms Alexander concluded, "No one was embarrassed and no one was shy. The Big Small Penis Party is actually much more than the climax of a support network. It's just one part of a story of bravery: It takes guts to wander around a bar with your one-inch pecker winking from underneath a turquoise lame camisole. The story of the small penis seeks to completely disarm, and in doing so, appeals for humility as well as laughter. The story of the small penis is kind of a big deal."

- Tony Deyal was last seen saying that the winner of the Smallest Penis In Brooklyn Contest was an outsider. The favourite, who was highly tipped to emerge victorious, came up short.