Sat | Feb 16, 2019

Kelly's World | No Santa, lose some pounds

Published:Monday | December 25, 2017 | 12:24 AM

Let us assume and dream for a few minutes that Santa Claus actually exists.

There is one thing I want to find out. You ever wonder why Santa always so fat?

You would think that lugging all those toys and other gifts around would at the very least, keep him a little trim.

But nope, every picture ever of jolly St Nick shows a rather rotund fellow trying (desperately at times) to get through the chimney.

Speaking of his round figure, Santa must have a little pocket money put down somewhere that he could afford a treadmill or some other gym equipment. 

Better yet, him and the elves can mek one during the year, so by the time the Christmas orders start coming around, circa November, his exercise tool finish long time.

But anyway, I have a theory on Santa's pudginess. I don't think Santa does any real work with regards to either making the toys or transporting them.

Think about it. Santa must have a distribution deal with all the major manufacturers, so except for a few special items, neither he nor the elves are making any of the gifts.

All he really has to do is deliver them. How much help he has from DHL, UPS and FedEx is another matter all in itself.

So he's not doing any real work where the gift creation and/or delivery is concerned.

So you might think he might lose some weight by having to pilot the sleigh all around the world, especially during heavy weather like snow and sleet.

Meh, again, Santa nuh really do nuh work. If the reindeer can fly, den dem nuh mus able fi direct themselves?

Yuh think dem seriously need Santa help fi reach weh dem a go? No sah. Maybe one time. But especially not now wid GPS and all dem ting deh.

Di reindeer dem can find your house faster than a Uber driver. 

Plus with the magic propelling the sleigh, I don't think Santa has to worry about it overturning or anything like that.

Dasher and Blitzen and all the rest of the reindeer can do just fine without pork belly Santa a direct them.

Aah but how do we account for the lugging of the gifts from the sleigh to the homes?

It's simple. The laws of physics, specifically the one dealing with gravity, take care of the gift part.

All the fat boy has to do is lower the gifts through the chimney or window or whatever, and then ease himself down after.

No real strain required. And then when he's done, he 

Of course the biggest reason for Santa's girth is di pickney dem. In fairness, they're the main reason he has a job so I won't go too hard.

But they're always leaving out cookies and stuff for him, and obviously he's not doing any exercise, so it's all the blooming sweet stuff. Mystery solved.

Well whatever the big red-clad fellow carries for you this year, have a Merry Christmas folks, and a prosperous New Year (don't get me started on 2018). Later

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