Sun | Apr 30, 2017

Ageing and lovesick? Don’t chase sex fantasies

Published:Sunday | March 29, 2015 | 3:00 AMLeachim Semaj

Professor Carolyn Cooper's column of March 22, 2015 ('Mi no want no woman look mi!') has forced me to address some issues that I have been observing in our society. My hope is to arrive at some solutions to the not-so-quiet desperation that has become the lives of many women and men over 50 who are seeking a variety of 'shades of grey relationships' but are ending up with 'sexual situationships' in the quest to find love and happiness.

At the end of the column, Professor Cooper 'comes out' and emphatically states:

"Di ongle smaddy mi want look mi a one nice, ageable genkleman. No young boy. No old man. No married man. No man weh a sex man an uman. Yu ha fi can read an write. Yu ha fi have teeth. If yu qualify, come put argument. Otherwise, beg yu please lef mi in peace!"

My hypothesis is that she will have a long wait and is much more likely to find a 'sexual situationship' than a 'bona fide love relationship'.

Adian Neil states the following;

"A situationship is basically a pseudo-relationship. A placebo masking itself as a formative relationship. It smells like a relationship, it sorta looks like a relationship, and it may even feel like one, but it's not. Urban Dictionary describes a situationship as any problematic relationship characterised by one or more unresolved, interpersonal conflicts usually confused with dating. The overall dating climate is changing and formalities are harder to find. Instead, there's this awkward meandering through something that feels like something that leads to sex that may or may not be something that continues for a time until one party wants to make it an official something."

In contrast, a reciprocated relationship is a relationship in which two people feel the same way about each other, or do give similar things to each other. This is one in which both parties experience the fulfilment of mutual desires on a variety of the dimensions of intimacy. They both desire similar things for themselves and each other and are committed to 'growing old together'.

I started this analysis with Professor Cooper's concept of a "nice, ageable genkleman", then did a series of informal interviews to identify what the ages and stages were in our society and was able to create the following table:

 

People Don't Stay in Dem Lane

 

The natural pattern of age and stage chronological development would be for people to 'stay in dem lane'. If that were the case, M3 would be attracted to W3, M2 to W2, and M1 to W1. But what do we have? The socio-biological forces have created the following situations.

It appears that Professor Cooper and many other W3 women are more likely to end up in a 'situationship' with an M1 man if they bring the resources that he needs to the table (bed). Please note that all that's required is proof of dental health and the achievement of the minimum literacy requirement. W3 women are not generally the first or second choice for any age group of men. Men are wired to be attracted to youth and beauty (while women to power and resources).

Neither M3 nor M2 men generally find W3 women desirable. But if she has the resources and will make them available to him, she can 'rent' an M1 man until he decides that he wants someone with whom to settle down and build a family. She may even have a series of 'sexual situationships' but is very unlikely to have a lasting bona fide relationship. She is also more likely to grow old alone.

Interestingly, M3 men are likely to fare a little better if they are able to 'buy' the favours of the M1 woman. This, too, is likely to be a situationship but has a higher probability of morphing into a bona fide reciprocated relationship.

 

The Shades-of-Grey Relationships

 

M3 women are the biggest losers in the present quest for reciprocated love and happiness. This is closely followed by M3 men. Many M3 men (with resources) are, however, not complaining because variety and quantity often make up for quality.

On the other hand, the W3 woman is judged more harshly when she ventures to live out her fantasies with her M1 'toy boy'. It is said that a woman cannot do what a man can and still be a lady. W3 women and M3 men need to find ways to shift their mindsets and to transform their erotic arousal patterns so as to become more attractive to and for each other. If they don't, there is a growing probability that they will be spending their 'grey years' alone, or in highly exploitative sexual situationships.

 

Solutions

1. It is now imperative that M3 men and W3 women 'stay in dem lane' and resist the trips to fantasy island. There is a reason why something is called a fantasy; it does not exist. They must honestly and critically evaluate their present relationships, or lack thereof, not just to quantify the shortcomings of their partners, but, more important, to identify where and how they also contributed to the devolution. They will then be able to embark on a new beginning by establishing an intention to build healthy, sustainable, reciprocal relationships. Intentions will then begin to shape thoughts, which will set the foundation for new behaviours.

2. If you are in a relationship, make it work. Remember that 'to love is a choice that you make'. The exceptions are cases of abuse and psychotic behaviour.

3. If you are not in a relationship, be realistic as to what you bring to the table. If you are a '5', a '9' may be well outside of your possibility. Why would a '9' want you?

4. If a relationship is important to you but keeps eluding you, get professional help. There are persons who have mastered the art and science of matchmaking. They can help.

The smallest unit of a people is man and woman. When the circumstances become as tumultuous as they now are, a nation is in trouble.

A suh mi see it. What say you?

- Leahcim Semaj is chief ideator at The JobBank. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and semaj@ltsemaj.com.