Tue | Jul 23, 2019

And now, Miss Jamaica Christian!

Published:Sunday | August 29, 2010 | 12:00 AM
Several Miss Universe 2007 contestants walk on the beach in the resort city of Cancun, Mexico. - AP

Oxy Moron, Contributor

Hear ye! Hear ye, Christian young women! Here's your chance to get a foretaste of glory divine. The Miss Jamaica Gospel Ambassador contest is here. After years of watching Jamaican beauties from the sideline, the spotlight is now on you. But, please, leave your bathing suits at home. Only long frocks are allowed.

You must have a strong belief in Christ, no half-hearted Christian need apply. However, I, Oxy Moron, am saying that the gospel is not exclusive to Christianity, and other believers should be given the chance to enter. If not, the contest must be renamed Miss Jamaica Christian Ambassador. What about those who have a strong belief in cows, in the sun, in Allah, in Bahaullah, and even in me? Those are their gospel!

A stroke of genius

Nevertheless, the idea seems to be a stroke of genius to pull more young ladies into the church, and beautiful ones too. For though the emphasis is not on physical beauty, I'm very sure it's going to be eventually. And the men will be coming in droves. For one young man once said the reason why men don't go to church as often as women do is that the church is full of old and homely women who all claim they are married to Jesus, but secretly lusting after the pastor.

So the pews will now be filled with potential Miss Jamaica Christians. But the organisers must be careful of these serial beauty contestants, who can't see a pageant and let it go by. They were in Miss Jamaica Universe, Miss Jamaica World, Miss Jamaica Body Beautiful, Miss Fluffy Jamaica, Miss Mawga Jamaica, Miss Jamaica Festival Queen, Miss Jamaica Mother, National Farm Queen, and now their eyes are set firmly on Miss Jamaica Gospel.

Suddenly, they are in church every Sunday in the latest fashion, but they may be reminded that they have to learn the Bible from cover to cover. They must know that it was Daniel in the lion's den and not Buju. That Dudus is not Goliath, and the United States is certainly not David. That it was an apple and not a juicy mango that Steve, oops, Satan, gave to Eve, who gave a piece to Adam. That the 10 commandments weren't given to Moses Davis, but the other Moses. That it wasn't D'Angel who visited Mary to tell her the good news. And that the three wise men who followed the star were not Kartel, Mavado and LA Lewis.

A different kind of gospel

So while we are waiting to see the first Miss Jamaica Gospel Ambassador, need we remind those who plan to enter to go back in time and recall whether they have certain pictures and video clips that they are not proud of. For in this world of high technology, before you can count one, two, three, you are on the Internet for the universe to see, and that would be a different kind of gospel.

And speaking of the universe and beauty contests, why is Miss Universe so called? For, as far as I can see, yes, as far, there aren't any contestants from the other planets in the universe. Where is Miss Mars in all her reddish glory? Miss Saturn, with those beautiful rings circling her head? Miss Uranus, full of methane? Gaseous Miss Neptune? Hot, hot Miss Mercury? Little Miss Pluto? And the bright and sparkling Miss Venus? Well, in the just concluded pageant where one of our own contestants almost won, there was a Miss Venus, Venus Raj, only that she was representing The Philippines. Strange.

- oxydmoron@gmail.com