C-ing is believing

If you want to know the secrets of the universe, you have to use string theory. Incredibly, the same holds for Victoria's Secret. I am no theoretical physicist like Dr Michio Kaku, but I found out that it does not take an Einstein to discover the universal enigma about the lingerie leader, or a Newton to find out the gravity-defying truth. I stumbled on it in Britain's 'Mail Online'. Victoria's Secret is that she is no longer wearing a 'G-string' but has graduated to a 'C-string'.

A G-string in terms of attire instead of music, originally referred to the string which held up the loincloth worn by Native Americans, but was then used to describe the loincloth itself. Since nobody threatened to Sioux, the term was in vogue and Harper's Magazine. The view was that the 'G' probably stood for 'groin' rather than 'gigantic', except in the case of the Watusi, and that led to the saying, "Watusi is wat you get". In fact, in the book The Son of Tarzan by Edgar Rice Burroughs, both Tarzan and his son Korak, being the swingers that they were, set a new fashion trend by wearing G-strings. Later, strip-tease artists like Gypsy Rose Lee kept the garment in the public eye by lingeringly and lasciviously losing their lingerie.

What the 'G-string' is

The G-string eventually evolved into the fashionable thong underwear. One description is, "A G-string (alternatively gee-string or gee string) is a type of underwear, a narrow piece of cloth, leather or plastic, that covers or holds the genitals, passes between the buttocks, and is attached to a band around the hips ... . It is also a style of thong swimsuit whose rear area can become so narrow that it would disappear between the wearer's buttocks." This type of humour is known as thong-in-cheek.

Alice Smellie, writing in the Mail Online, describes her adventures trying to 'road-test' the C-string: "The C-string consists of the front part of a thong-style pair of knickers, held up with a little bit of wire at the back. The idea is that you pop it on, and it stays put. Think of an unevenly shaped wired headband, and you're half-way there - the name derives from the C shape. Then imagine wearing it on your bottom. The manufacturers suggest that you wear it with outfits that might show a panty line, or even as swimwear, so that you don't get tan lines across your bottom." Ms Smellie recounts her first close encounter while wearing her C-string: "This is the stuff of nightmares. I am walking down the road pushing a buggy when I have to bend down to pick up a dropped toy. A passing van driver leers at me and then beeps his horn. But it's not because of my blonde hair: it's because I look as if I forgot to put on any underwear that morning. That's what happens on my first day wearing the 'C-String', a bad dream in underwear form. According the promotional blurb, it is 'sexy, elegant and completely unique'."

'Not Safe For Work'

GIZMAG, a site that deals with emerging technology, headlined: "C-string makes your average thong look like grannypants (NSFW)". 'NSFW' is Internet slang for "Not Safe For Work". The site's Lez Blain says: "While there's no 'string' actually involved, onlookers can certainly 'C' just about everything, including an awkward rear aspect that looks something like a pencil clenched between the wearer's buttocks. This is one of those occasions when we should all be glad that this isn't a Gizmag road test ... . One of these days, somebody will take the 'less is more' trend in women's underwear to its logical conclusion and start selling lacy postage stamps. Until then, there's the C-String."

Not quite. There are some other interesting things that are outside the box which Victoria is still keeping secret. For example, we have the 'I-phone' panties with the appropriately placed instructions "Slide To Unlock". In Ireland, according to a Reuters report, "Boxer shorts and G-strings sporting the slogan 'I'd rather be screwed by the IMF' might be the top stocking filler this Christmas in Ireland as anger over a financial bailout and frustration with the government mounts." Given the way things are going in some Caribbean countries, there is a growing market here as well. In France, there is a new set of flimsies with a small capsule hanging from the front. The description reads: "The French are always thinking of new ways to be more romantic. With this pair of barely there panties, you can leave a love note inside the holder for your significant other."

There is also a new brand of underwear to light up your nights and life: LED lights make it easier for both parties to find each other in the dark. The C-string is not the only 'C' in town. Based on the idea that 'Coke is it', designer Ingrid Goldbloom Bloch has designed a lingerie line made from soda cans as well as other hardware objects. She insists that these pieces of clothing are just as comfortable as any other pair of underwear out there. Then there are the GPS panties which allow you to keep track of your loved ones, particularly if you're the suspicious kind. There is also a brand of female underwear that is remote controlled and vibrates. The manufacturer claims, "Like a wild exotic animal, untamed and uncontrollable, these powerful remote control vibrating thong panties will send you on the hunt!"

Joe Boxers

My wife is undoubtedly on the hunt for Christmas gifts for me, and instead of the Joe Boxers she normally buys, there are options for men like the 'sac-free' which, according to the vendor, "will bring a pleasant feeling of liberty". Like the French, I say, give me liberty or give me death and in cold climes that can happen from exposure to the cold. If you tend to eat too much during the holidays, there is the 'Underease Flatulence Filtering Underwear,' which has an activated charcoal filter that deals with what is described as "bad human gas (malodorous flatus)". And if you live an active or interactive lifestyle, you can let your underwear do the talking by buying a Velcro thong. It comes with a pack of 40 consonants, 16 vowels, and many punctuation marks so you can practise your scrabble or say simply, 'Me Tarzan. You Jane.'

Tony Deyal was last seen suggesting he had got to the bottom of Victoria's Secret - the backless underwear which is supposed to show your assets (not your underwear) with comfort and style.