Misspeaking on sports

Tony Deyal, Contributor

There is a story about three Jamaicans working on a construction site near the Olympic Stadium in London who wanted desperately to see Usain Bolt win the hundred metres. They were certain he was going to win, but had no tickets and no money. As the time approached for the event, they became even more frantic.

The first one saw a manhole cover, picked it up, put it under his arm and walked to the gate. He looked the security guard straight in the eye, said brazenly, "Discus", and continued walking. The second took up a length of pipe, went to the same guard and explained, "Pole vault." He, too, walked in without any problem.

The third was frantic. Finally, he saw a piece of barbed wire. He picked it up, put it under his arm, looked the guard straight in the eye and said, "Fencing." What he didn't know is that the odds were very much against him. If a guard would not let Usain Bolt in with a skipping rope, there is no way the fencer would have got through. Maybe he should have cut the pole in two and say, "Riposte." Or perhaps Usain should have explained to the guard who took away his rope, "I plan to use it to skip my regular hamburger lunch at McDonalds."

Speaking of poles at the Olympic Games, a girl bumped into a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick. "Excuse me," the girl said to the man. "Are you a pole vaulter?" "No," the man replied, "I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

A lot of the humour at the Olympics, however, is unintentional and comes from people who say things in the heat of the Games that they wish they could take back. In one of the Games, a weight-lifting commentator was excited, "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm-up and it was amazing."

A dressage commentator got a horse laugh when he said, "This is really a lovely horse, and I speak from personal experience, since I once mounted her mother."

The gymnast, Paul Hamm, was very sincere and emotional: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." A boxing announcer tried to play down the brutality of the sport, "Sure, there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

Redundant observations

There was the softball announcer who was full of déjà vu: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." A basketball pundit observed about a particular player, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact, you can see it all over their faces."

Talking about basketball, one of the American 'Late Night' comedians, Jimmy Kimmel, quipped, "At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year, it's 150,000. That's 100,000 for the US basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else."

Another of the 'Late Night' hosts, Jimmy Fallon, commented on the fact that despite their proclivities off the court, the US team at the 2012 Olympics does not really impress the US president. "President Obama said 1992's Dream Team was better than this year's Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting, because a lot of people think 1992's president is better than this year's president." Ouch!

Without getting into the basketball politics, Jay Leno, the king of late night, had his own Obama slam dunk: "Well, President Obama and First Lady Michelle went to see the US Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn't kiss, and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn't that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he's actually married to?"

Rowing is one of those sports which everyone wants to stick their oar in. Simon Doull, the former New Zealand cricketer and now commentator, perhaps upset about the drubbing from the West Indies, was not as elated about his country's success in rowing at the Olympics. "We're really good at sitting on our butts and going backwards." A commentator really wished he could go backwards when at a rowing medal ceremony he said, "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

Famous mistake

In an Olympic mistake reminiscent of Brian Johnston's famous, "The batsman's Holding the bowler's Willie", a football announcer was so impressed with the dominance and ubiquity of former West Ham football legend Julian Dicks that he gushed, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got 11 Dicks on the field."

The comment that wins the gold medal in the faux pas category came from a truly highly strung tennis analyst filling in some colour commentary about an English tennis star, "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. ... Oh my God, what have I just said?" Clearly the wife deserved a medal.

But for sheer testicular brilliance, there is the story about the American wrestler whose coach warned him before the gold-medal match to watch out for his opponent, whose fearsome 'pretzel' hold was impossible to get out of. The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.

"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could." Then, he added, "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own ... !"

Tony Deyal was last seen repeating comedian Stephen Colbert's jab at the American economy: "Naturally, the US trails in gold medals, because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt."