Doctor's Advice - Should I marry this younger man?

Q:  Doctor, I am a woman in my mid-30s, and I am wondering whether a marriage with a man who is 10 years younger can work emotionally and sexually. Eight years ago, my husband went to America, leaving me with three young daughters. I am now in the process of divorcing him.  Life was looking a little grim, but recently I met a very nice young man, who has a good job and works very hard. He is 25 years old and he tells me that he loves me and would like to marry me. He says he would take on the responsibility of helping to raise my three girls.

I like him, but, oddly enough, things are not too great between us 'in the sack'. He likes cuddling at nights, but he does not seem to be very keen on having intercourse. So we only do it about once every month, and he does not care if he climaxes inside of me.  There is also a problem with my daughters. They do not seem to like him very much. But he appears to adore them. In fact, I think he is more friendly with the girls than he is with me!  He really likes to bathe, dress and help get them ready for school. Last week, he actually wanted to get into the shower with the oldest one, but she refused and that led to quite a big fuss.

So, what do you advise, Doc? Do you think that his lack of sexual interest in me is because he finds me too old and unattractive? I am still slim and fit and my friends tell me that my features are still pretty.

A: Well, there is no reason why a woman in her 30s could not marry a 25-year-old man and enjoy a great sex life with him.  But that is not what is happening, is it? This young man does not seem to be very sexually interested in you. For a 25-year-old to only want sex around once a month is very unusual. Also, you are right in saying that it is curious that he does not seem to wish to discharge inside of you. For most young men, that is the main object of the exercise!

I cannot believe that you are sexually unattractive. After all, you say that you have kept yourself fit, and your friends say that you are still good-looking. So I don't feel that the difference in your ages is the problem.

As it relates to his relationship with your girls, alarm bells start ringing in my head! I have a few cases in which men start relationships with a mother, simply for the purpose of gaining sexual access to her daughters.  Certainly, the fact that your 'boyfriend' wanted to share a shower with your older daughter seems very suspicious. He also wants to wash them and dress them. And you say that he is more friendly with them than with you.

I cannot say for certain that he is a paedophile. But what you have told me sounds very alarming. Also, you do not appear to love him, you only say that you 'like' him.  So, all in all, my feeling is that you should bring this slightly strange relationship to an end for the sake of your children. You are in the process of a divorce and this suggests that it is time for you to 'move on' with your life.  I am sure that you will be able to find a more suitable mate whom you could love and who could prove a good stepfather to your three girls. I wish you well.

Q: Doctor, please do not laugh at me, but I am a 29-year-old man who is still a virgin. This is because I have always been shy with women.  I have dated a few women in the past and one of them was very nice to me and even gave me what I think is called a 'hand job' once or twice. But eventually she left me, probably because she was getting frustrated.

Well, now I have met a fantastic new woman and I love her dearly. She seems to really like me as well. She is just a year older than I am and she is pretty open about the fact that she is sexually experienced. She has now made it clear that she would like to have sex with me as soon as her next menstrual cycle is over.  Doc, do you think that she will be able to guess that I am a virgin?

A: You have not told her? Well, I think you should do that immediately.  It would not be wise to try and pretend to her that you have a lot of experience with women. I guess she would soon realise that you are lying!

Now, you may be surprised to hear that quite a lot of experienced women do like the idea of being the one who 'initiates' a virgin male. So I don't think she will be put off by the fact that you have not had sex. In fact, she may be rather pleased at the idea that she is going to be your 'first one'.

If you do have sex with her soon after her next cycle, it could be that she will then be approaching her ovulation day. So take care! One of you should use some kind of contraception.  I wish you success in this relationship. I have a feeling that this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, or even a successful marriage.

Q: I have developed a small red 'bump' near the front of my vagina. It is tender and this is making intercourse with my husband quite difficult. He is not too happy about this. I went to a doctor and he told me that I have what is called a 'urethral caruncle'. But what is that?

A: Caruncles of the urethra are pretty common. The urethra is the urinary pipe, and its opening is just inside the vulva. It is from this opening that you urinate.  Unfortunately, in a lot of women, a pink or red swelling develops in that opening. The reason is not known.  Fortunately, caruncles can be successfully treated, but you really need to see a gynaecologist.

Q: My fiancé says he cannot help chasing women. He has been unfaithful to me at least six times this year! When I asked him why, he told me he 'has sex addiction'. Is that possible?

A: Recent research has suggested that sex addiction does not really exist. My advice - break off this engagement.