Avoiding that deadly attraction

Newton Duncan, Guest Columnist

The social environment of Jamaica is hostile to women. It has become painfully obvious that Jamaican women now face two overriding challenges: a dearth of eligible men, and physical abuse and murder at an increasing rate by their male partners. In recent times, male partners have chopped women to death, raped and set them alight, cut their throats and bludgeoned them into unconsciousness before throwing their bodies into cesspools.

Acts of this nature now prompt me to pen this open letter to women.

You live in an era where being female makes you a target for abuse. Ordinary interactions with the opposite sex increases your risk of being sexually and physically abused. You have an estimated one-in-three lifetime risk of being sexually or physically abused by a male. This, however, is an underestimation because the majority of domestic and sexual abuse cases are not reported.

The males with whom you associate are your choices, and they can derail every chance of success or happiness to which you now aspire. Don't be naive about male friendships. One 1994 analysis of Jamaican crime data found that the majority of acts of violence committed by men against women were committed by their male partners. The Jamaica 2008 Reproductive Health Survey reports that most sexual violence inflicted upon women were inflicted by someone known by them in all but 16 per cent of cases.

But Jamaica is not unique. Teenage rape and abuse victims in the United States report the assailant to be an intimate partner in 76 per cent of cases. One in four crimes reported against women in Jamaica is a violent act perpetrated by males in the context of an intimate relationship. This may be linked to the fact that 60 per cent of our children experience physical abuse in the home and approximately 20 per cent witness one parent physically abusing the other.

The Jamaican situation is one where women must stick together and be vehemently intolerant of abuse in the domestic setting - whether verbal, emotional, sexual, physical or via Internet. Acts of domestic abuse and violence in the context of heterosexual intimate relationships have been researched extensively. One thing is certain: Avoidance of such relationships is one of the most important gifts you can give to yourself.

Navigate away

You owe it to yourself to understand the mind of an abuser.

Studying such an animal gives you the ability to navigate away from him before his twisted mind puts a tag on you. It is important that you invest time in your relationships before becoming intimate. Do detailed checks. Listen to the warning of friends and older people, especially from those who knew your potential partner before you. You should know if he comes from a broken home, if he was abused as a child or witnessed the abuse of others in his home environment. This will give you an idea about his likely tolerance for such acts.

Avoid men who adopt positions that seem to isolate you from friends and family, and avoid those who have a short temper, even if the wrath is directed at someone else; in short order, that someone will be you. You should never disregard manipulative behaviour, even if you consider the situations inconsequential, because manipulation and domination of a partner is at the heart of all instances of intimate partner abuse.

Avoid men who are moody and overly jealous; they usually have a darker side, rooted in low self-esteem or psychiatric pathology, and this is a cocktail inimical to your health. You should note behavioural changes with alcohol usage; some men become violent when drunk.

If the plan is shaping up to your being with a partner who owns a gun, you should be especially careful. If his employment justifies his usage of a gun, you are doubly at risk. If you are uncomfortable about a gun being in your domestic space, you should not compromise; trust your instincts.

If you are already in an abusive relationship, you must do your own a risk assessment. Do not be like so many abused women who do not consider their lives at risk until imminent death stares them in the face.

Consider the following: Are you are recently separated or in the process of separation? Has your partner ever threatened your life or the lives of your children or other family members? Do you have a general sense of danger or feel that you could die? Have you ever felt like reporting or have you been dissuaded from reporting to the police any physical abuse meted out to you? Is your partner a firearm holder or a member of the security forces?

If your answer is yes to any one of the above questions and you are a victim of intimate partner abuse, you must seek out an experienced counsellor who has a bias in favour of women's independence. You should reject counselling advice steeped in sociological or religious bias that is patently not in your interest.

Most dangerous period

If you are recently separated or in the process of separating from your partner, you are at the most dangerous period of your relationship. More than 80 per cent of murders by intimate partners take place at this time. A good first port of call for guidance is The Women's Crisis Centre. Apart from counselling, the centre will also assist with protective care, where warranted.

During this difficult and dangerous time, you should also enlist the support of trusted family members and friends. You will need to be resolute and report to the police any threat on your life. You must obtain a written receipt from the police when you make your report, because a receipt is necessary when you take the step of getting a restraining order from the court.

The restraining order can be obtained without a lawyer and at no expense to you. After obtaining a restraining order, you should make copies and give to each in your support network.

Finally, the fact that your abuser is the father of your children should not create in you a sense of guilt about leaving, because your children who witness your abuse will perpetuate the cycle of abuse in their future relationships by either becoming abusers or victims of abuse.

Use these pointers to guide you on how to avoid a life of grief at the hands of an abusive partner.

Newton Duncan is head, Department of Surgery, Radiology, Anaesthesia and Intensive Care, UWI. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.