Michael Abrahams | Me nah follow fashion
As times change, so does fashion. We had the miniskirt in the sixties, and the Afro was everywhere in the seventies, being gradually replaced in the eighties by 'big hair'. Some fashion trends seem to last, like mini skirts. I don’t think that I will ever get tired of seeing them, although, I must confess that thighs at both ends of the fat/skinny spectrum ought to be covered to protect the population from migraine attacks and bouts of nausea.
Recently, there have been some developments and products that have me shaking my head vigorously.
First, let me address the way a lot of young men dress, with their pants dropping off, exposing their underpants: IT IS BLOODY STUPID AND THEY LOOK LIKE TOTAL IDIOTS! Sometimes the trousers are almost at their knees. I mean, what is the point of it? To be able to pull down their drawers quickly in the event of a sudden bout of running belly?
I hope this phase passes, because it brings out the worst in me. I am not a violent person, but whenever I am driving and I see them walking along our thoroughfares, I must confess that I have fantasised about leaving the government’s roads and introducing their butts to the front end of my vehicle.
As for men wearing rompers/'RompHims', I cannot be a hypocrite. I used to wear them myself, but grew out of the habit when I learned how to wipe my own behind. They used to call them onesies back then.
I am not sure when the torn/ripped jeans thing got started, but it did take me a while to get used to it. Back in the Dark Ages, when I was a child, if your jeans got torn, you would repair the tear, throw them out or only wear them within the confines of your own home. Wearing them 'out a door' was not recommended, because you would look like a ragamuffin, which, in my days, was not a good thing.
The torn jeans trend, however, not only took off, but has also persisted. I have become used to it now, and some people wear them very well. But what about dirty jeans? Jeans that are visibly dirty, with dirt and mud all over them. Would you wear this outta street? Most of us would not.
But Nordstrom, an American luxury department store, is selling 'muddy' jeans. That’s right, jeans that make you look like a bum. And guess how much these jeans are being sold for? US $425. That is about J$55,000. As if that were not enough, Neiman Marcus, another American luxury department store, is offering a pair of 'deconstructed' sneakers named the Future Destroyed High-Top Sneaker, but are really torn-up, ripped-up sneakers with missing patches of leather, for US$1,425. In our currency: J$185,000. In other words, if you purchase the jeans and the sneakers, for about US$2,000, or approximately a quarter-million Jamaican dollars, you can outfit yourself to look like an bona fide, top-a-top, hee-hawing jackass.
I know that many Jamaicans are slaves to fashion, and are dying to acquire these gems (bear in mind that gems are dug up from the earth), but may be cash-strapped. Not to worry, I have great news. I have been doing some in-depth research in the field of fashion and I have discovered ways in which you can own similar gear without spending an extra dollar! All you need are a pair of jeans and a pair of sneakers that you already own. Are you ready? Let’s go.
FOR MUDDY JEANS
Travel to the town of Ewarton in St Catherine.
Ask residents for directions to the mud lake. (Everybody there knows where the mud lake is)
Find the mud lake.
Jump in the mud lake, wearing your jeans, and then quickly jump back out.
If you make it back out alive: Voila! You have yourself a pair of muddy jeans!
If you do not make it back out alive, and the caustic soda there dissolves your genitals, even better. For if you are so crazy about wearing jeans looking like that, you deserve to be removed from our gene pool.
FOR TORN-UP SNEAKERS
Put on a pair of sneakers and walk through a residential area.
Find a house with vicious dogs barking at the gate.
Rub raw meat on your shoes.
Throw the shoes over the gate to the dogs.
After about one minute, knock on the gate and ask whoever answers you to throw the sneakers back to you.
For even better results, leave the sneakers on your feet, and stick your feet and the sneakers through the gate and present them to the dogs. This will cause both the sneakers and your feet to get mangled, which would benefit the society, as you would have to keep your crazy ass off our streets, and at home, resulting in you having less contact with sane members of the society who do not wish to see such crap.
Michael Abrahams is an obstetrician and gynaecologist, comedian and poet. Email feedback to email@example.com.