Michael Abrahams | Backshot ... Forget me not

Recently, a journalist from the Jamaica Star called me to solicit an opinion on some comments made by a pastor about a particular sex position. The pastor, Andrew Scott of the Greater Works International Ministries in Portmore, told his congregation that the ‘doggy style’ sex position, what we in Jamaica call ‘backshot’ is evil and can cause strokes.

When I finished laughing, and wiped the tears from my eyes, I responded by telling her that his statement was total rubbish, because there is nothing in the Bible to support that, especially if it involves a married couple, and that if a person has certain conditions such as severe heart disease, during orgasm, when the heart rate rises significantly, they can experience a stroke or heart attack from having sex in any position. I also added that he probably is against it because he cannot manage a backshot.

When the article was published the following day, I encountered more gems from the man of the cloth. In addition to bashing the beloved backshot, he claimed that using dildos can attract demonic forces into homes, and that we should talk about sex the same way we talk about mental illness, diabetes and murder, as it is now “rampant” in our society.

Regarding the ‘doggy style’ he said that you have to be in the position of a dog or a beast, something he obviously has an issue with. He then recommended "right” positions such as a woman lying on her back, the man on top of her, and man and woman facing each other, what he referred to as “a picture of true romance”. I guess his version of the Kama Sutra is a stick drawing on a business card.

But wait. There’s more. The pastor went on to claim that “based on published health articles, the doggy style sex position is a major contributor to males dying early from strokes”, and also stated that "In Ezekiel 23:20, God refers to the doggy style as detestable”.

As a member of the medical fraternity, especially one who deals with with the sexual health of women, I feel it would be remiss of me not to respond to the preacher man’s comments.

Firstly, there is absolutely no evidence that dildos attract demons into homes. I mean, when a woman pleasures herself with one she may sound as if she is possessed, and utter unintelligible and sometimes scary sounds, but there is no proof that demons are spectators at these events.

Saying that we should talk about sex the same way we talk about medical illnesses is really, really weird. Medical conditions threaten our health and our lives, but sex is not only a natural part of our lives, but is responsible for life. And what on earth does “sex is rampant in our society” mean? There are almost seven billion people living on the planet now, so I guess sex is “rampant “all over the freaking world. That is how the overwhelmingly vast majority of us got here. Duh!

As for the “right” positions, who the hell is he, or anyone else, to tell anyone which position to have sex in? It really is none of his business. People have a right to express themselves sexually the way they and their partners want to, be it backshot, frontshot or sideshot. When a woman is in an advanced stage of pregnancy and wants to have sex, attempting to engage in coitus in the missionary position is not such a good idea, unless the man’s penis is as long as a giraffe’s neck. So, what is she to do? Use a dildo? Oh yes, I forgot … it is forbidden.

As for the ‘doggy style’ being a major contributor to men dying early from strokes, that is utter nonsense. There is absolutely no evidence of that. Pastor Scott is entitled to his opinions but should refrain from pulling things out of his anus like a proctological David Copperfield. As for Ezekiel 23:20, it says nothing about any sex position, but speaks of a horny woman. It goes, “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” (A bit of Biblical porn for you right there.) If you read the entire Bible, it will be clear to you that God offers no position on positions, although it is made clear that if you reject Jesus Christ you are screwed, although the position you are screwed in is not specified.

The pastor’s comments may appear to be funny to many of us but underlying this is a serious issue. Too many people, especially clergy, feel the need to offer advice about sex when they have little knowledge or understanding of human sexuality. Asking them for advice on the topic is like asking me about animal husbandry in Burkina Faso. I don’t know a damn thing about it, so I have no contribution to make to the conversation. A blind man is more likely to find the city of Kiev on a spinning globe than some of these men are likely to find the clitoris on a woman’s vulva.

This type of behaviour from behind the pulpit is not benign, but rather has the potential to affect people’s sexuality and enable the erection of barriers in relationships. There are certain sex acts, solo or with a partner, that have no scriptural basis for condemnation. Unfortunately, people with their own repressed sexual selves go behind pulpits, make up their own rules, and try to dictate to their parishioners what to do. Many of the sheep in their congregations believe that these so-called ‘men of God’ have the Heavenly Father in their WhatsApp and communicate directly with Him, and will follow everything they say, leading to sexual issues in their intimate relationships.

Thankfully, not all clergy are like this. According to Bishop Rowan Edwards, "Evil what? It is the choice of the male and female to do whatever they want to in the bedroom”, adding,“I don't appreciate the idea of pastors who are getting into legally married couples’ private dealings in their bedrooms; that is out of order.” I agree with him.

In the meantime, I have a sex position to recommend to Pastor Scott: the 96. In this position, he and his partner lie head to foot and back to back, allowing no chance of penetration, and hence no conception and chance of passing on his repressed sexual genes.

Michael Abrahams is a gynaecologist and obstetrician, comedian and poet. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or tweet @mikeyabrahams.