Alfred Dawes | Treatise on commenters

Anyone who has ever posted or created anything that enters the public domain immediately becomes fodder for the denizens of the comments sections. With the advent of social media, letters to the editor and call-in programmes are now relegated to the truly devoted. It’s the comments section, where you can actively engage/disparage anyone who doesn’t share your views that has taken over.

Prowling through comments is as entertaining as the actual posting itself, if not more so. Like naturalists before me, I have been studying these interesting subjects in their native habitats for some time now. My findings fill several volumes which I will publish the day The Gleaner disables comments on articles. For now the curious reader should find a short summary on those they will inevitably encounter as they navigate the densely populated landscapes of various social and traditional media platforms.

Commenters broadly fall into three main categories: the Serial Objectors, the Cross Angry Miserables and the Karens.

SERIAL OBJECTORS

These argumentative commenters are unable to scroll past an opinion that differs from their own. It doesn’t matter how trivial it may be, they must register their opposing views. Often they end up in arguments in the comments sections that result in their victory by attrition. They cannot be defeated so they wear you down as they have more time on their hands than any other tribe. Phrases such as “do your research” while refusing to produce their own references are often seen.

Serial objectors usually include conspiracy theorists who antagonise anyone believing anything that is reported in the mainstream media. They often label dissenters “sheeple” and are quick to point out their superior intellect on practically every subject matter. When confronted with inalienable truths, they never back down from an indefensible position but instead confuse the opponent with side arguments or make ad hominem attacks. Serial Objectors are by far the most populous of the commenters and their tolerance levels are superior only to the Cross, Angry, Miserables.

CROSS, ANGRY, MISERABLES

These commenters don’t have any time for anything or anyone, yet are always available to comment on everything. They are a diverse group who range from the “what to do with yu mummas”, Government cussers, political party cussers, the “a long time mi nuh like da person ya” tribe, and of course the lamenters who preach doom and gloom. Some commenters will never add anything to a discussion except the classic Jamaican mother reference and move on. This is particularly useful if dealing with policymakers, especially politicians who rub them the wrong way.

It takes very little to evoke “a mumma” reference from these types. They often drop these bombs several times a day as if filling a quota. There is very little regard given to the children who might be scrolling as long as they clear their chest of the “bilias” invoked by mere headlines. Cross Angry Miserables seldom read beyond the caption for news stories before immediately getting upset. They are most susceptible to clickbait, sound bites and catchy headlines. If corrected by the serial objectors they take personal offence to the attack on their intelligence and the mumma clapback commonly ensues. The mumma crew is despised by the Karens for their uncouth behaviour often directed at them.

The most entertaining threads are often generated by the Cross Angry Miserables and their perpetual enemies the Serial Objectors. Both war parties often engage in skirmishes over topics ranging from politics to COVID-19 management. As neither armies see capitulation as an option, the continued fighting makes the Hundred Years War look like a playground tussle.

KARENS

Karens are notoriously easily triggered. If one posts that they like oranges, a Karen will always appear to question what it is that you have against apples. They may then proceed to introduce the hostile working conditions of orange pickers into the conversation and try to cancel you for supporting same. Karens are usually vegans hell-bent on not saving the world, but calling out every meat eater who posts. Usually of a more refined temperament, they are wary of the Cross Angry Miserables who pile on to them for their oftentimes unreasonable stances. Karens are quick to dig into harmless phrases and concoct a malevolent plan that the poster had in mind. They are usually strongly pro-vaccine, making them the likely targets of the radical Serial Objectors who are some of the most strident anti-vaxxers.

Lively comments sections often keep browsers up late in the night following arguments involving people they don’t know, or themselves providing entertainment for others through the defence of their recalcitrant positions. What would an article be without the usual commenters firing their shots and mounting their soapbox pedestals to pontificate about what the authors missed or were wrong in stating?

No matter how harmless a posting on social media, the usuals will be out in full force creating even more entertainment than the original content. As much as we claim we hate social media because of the comments section, we simply cannot live without it. It gives us something to laugh about, something to get angry about, and of course something to feel better about when we see the “idiocy” of others on full display. This is the true power of social media.

Dr Alfred Dawes is a fellow of the American College of Surgeons, CEO of Windsor Wellness Centre, and medical spokesman for Lifespan Spring Water. Follow him on Twitter @dr_aldawes. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and adawes@ilapmedical.com.