Lance Neita | If you don’t know where you are going, any road will take you there

“Curiouser and curiouser,” thought Alice for the umpteenth time as she landed gently at the bottom of the rabbit hole and found herself once more in Wonderland.

She got to her feet and was quickly made to feel at home by the zany cast of simple, easy-going, and quite crazy characters who ran to welcome her back home.

As she looked around she saw the Duchess, who had been her tour guide in earlier adventures, the White Rabbit, the Cheshire Cat with the huge grin, the Caterpillar, the Mad Hatter, Humpty Dumpy, and the craziest of them all, the Dodo.

It was then that Alice realised that she was now in Wonder MEGAland, one of the many crazy and fanciful state-of-mind places that exist in the world of Wonderlands, including Wonder Jamdown, Wonder West Indies Croquet Team, and the Wonderful Gulf of America.

For those not familiar with this story, Alice was the central figure of the 19th century tale of a little girl wandering through a fantasy world peopled by the oddest characters, human and animal, who take her on a journey that has fascinated readers in over 70 countries and several generations since it was written by Lewis Carroll in 1865.

The characters had their own rules, which they made up as they went along and broke them just as casually. They had their own peculiar code of conduct, which was summed up by the Duchess, who told Alice, “My child, everyone in this world has got a moral, if only you can find it.” Life simply held no complications for these extraordinary folk.

Her old friend Humpty Dumpy had once declared rather portentously, “when I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean”.

The Duchess tells Alice she is now the King’s press secretary and offers to take her to one of several press conferences “where you are bound to meet either one of our leaders, or both.”. With that they take off on the road to the palace.

GOING THE RIGHT WAY

After an hour of going around in circles, she asks her hostess if they are going the right way. “That depends on which way you want to go,” she replies. Alice says she doesn’t know, and then came the immortal reply so typical of Wonderlands.

“Don’t worry, my dear,” said the Duchess. “If you don’t know where you are going any road will take you there.”

“Come along,”she told Alice, “and I will take you to the King’s Parade. Further along they met a group of men with heads bowed and carrying buckets of sand.

“These are our cabinet members,” explained the Duchess. They are discussing the latest crisis. The minister of tariffs has gone berserk and exceeded his quota and our Wonderlands abroad have decided to boycott the King’s Parade. And not only the parade, but all our sports and entertainment events including the World Cup and the Olympics”.

“How is the King taking it,” asked Alice.

“As far he is concerned it’s off with their heads, including the Cabinet heads. He is going ahead with the parade. And he will be dressed in his new clothes”.

But unknown to the King, he had been swindled by two crooks who pretended to be tailors and offered to make him the finest outfit for the Parade and it would be invisible to anyone in the land who was incompetent or stupid. “Ah,” thought the King, “this will be wonderful, for now I will know which one of my Cabinet ministers are incompetent or unfit for their posts”.

The ministers were ordered to visit the tailors, looked in the room and saw nothing, but went back and told the King he was getting a number-one outfit. The Cabinet voted that the King should not keep the gown to himself, but should wear it in the procession for the entire world to see.

LINED WITH PEOPLE

Outside the palace that fateful day the streets were lined with people, including Alice. “Now remember my dear, nobody wants to declared incompetent or unfit, otherwise they will be deported, including you,” warned the Duchess.

So as the King appeared, leading the grand parade, the people clapped and cheered. “Beautiful,” they said to one another, “perfect fit. Goodness, the King’s new clothes are incomparable.”

And as the parade got closer Alice realised that it was the elusive Humpty Dumpty himself leading the grand pageant. He pirouetted and posed, turning around to show the people his wonderful outfit from every vantage point.

Suddenly the voice of a little boy with a Jamaican accent rang out, “But, mama, di King no have on nuh clothes, di King naked!”

“Shut yuh mout, bwoy,” said the mother, shamed by her son who was making the family look stupid and incompetent, and very likely to be deported.

But it was too late. The King had heard the little boy and suddenly realised that it was true. He was completely naked. He hung his head. And the people took up the cry, “The King has no clothes.” The Cabinet shoved their heads into their buckets of sand.

And Alice, shaking with laughter, made her final exit from MEGAland and returned to reality. Or so she thought. As she woke up and found herself back home in her garden, she saw the White Rabbit of her dreams staring at her. The rabbit ordered her to write down everything she had seen.

“But where shall I begin?” she asked.

“Begin at the beginning,” said the White Rabbit gravely, “and go on till you reach the end. Then stop.” As simple as that.

Lance Neita is a political satirist, historian and author. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and lanceneita@hotmail.com