Gordon Robinson | The essence of anxiety

Across the galaxies in our favourite fantasyland, Apocrypha, where all politicians are friends, it was a busy day at Oma Unsacked.

Regular readers remember Oma D’unn, a former finance minister who, like a moon, was bright only in the dark but solved political problems by parable. When he retired from politics his burgeoning business became so popular that he formed the ironically named consultancy firm. His clients came from governing Just Lazy People (JLP) and opposition Promises Not Performance (PNP) alike.

Today he was inundated with consults from PNP members. First it was Health Spokesperson Fred Drawers who had mistakenly used contradictory information to criticise Government’s drilling operations. Then it was Daycan Tinsoup who threatened Government with action if it didn’t rescind PM’s alleged friend’s public service appointment. Daycan forgot he just finished defending his own friend’s appointment at a government agency.

Finally Oma was consulted by Julyon Wobblingson who had carelessly announced that a prominent investment company was placed in receivership so had to hurriedly correct his mistake. They all asked Oma how to avoid similar future mistakes.

Oma advised them each to buy an exercise bicycle. They looked clueless so he told them the story of a train ride in the Alps (not Murder on the Orient Express which happened in Yugoslavia):

“Shortly after World War II, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady shared a compartment on a train as it wound its way through the Alps.

The train regularly passed through tunnels, during which the compartment was plunged into darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap was heard. As the train re-entered daylight, the Frenchman was rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thought ‘I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she slapped the pervert.’

The blonde thought, ‘I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.’

The Frenchman thought ‘I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.’

The Englishman thought ‘I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.’”

None of Drawers, Tinsoup or Wobblingson looked any more enlightened so Oma explained that, whether by thought, word or deed, premature ejaculation is usually caused by anxiety - political anxiety being the worst. It fries the brain and forces unguided mouths to repeat any information within earshot that sounds inconvenient for political opponents. None of rationality, reliability or verification matters.

Oma told them their premature ejaculation was caused by “flight-or-fight” response to electoral anxiety which floods the body with adrenaline and other stress chemicals. Exercise can help reduce stress and enhance overall sense of wellbeing thus producing calm. This can bring about balance in thought, word and deed. Published statements will be more moderate and evidence based. Politicians won’t be so quick to mount attractive sounding political attacks eventually likely to bite them in the rear end as reality takes over.

Jamaica’s Opposition party could do with some anti-anxiety exercises right about now as Government continues to recover lost political ground with successes in many nationally essential areas. PNP appears to have panicked and resorted to spreading rumour and employing personal attacks on professionals without substance or judiciousness. National policy no longer seems part of PNP’s political platform. Instead it’s who is alleged to be corrupt based on fuzzy math or inconvenient public service recruitment; or false allegation of corporate danger to national investment.

PNP should try to calm down, return to the drawing board and put together alternative public policies instead of anxiety-riddled scattershot finger-pointing. Policies promoting good governance, fiscal management and society’s welfare especially of the very young and very old are helpful. Cussing who bought what for how much based on chronic internal contraction creates only fruitless conflict. Treating the public service appointment of one man as the end of the world is petty and unproductive. Wrongly accusing a corporate entity of financial failure because you believe it’s linked to a political opponent is just plain silly.

At time of writing, Alfred Dawes hasn’t so much as admitted mistakes made during his attack on the Ministry of Health for importing a necessary neurosurgical drill through a middle man approved by the manufacturer. PNP continues to wage war against Dennis Chung as if the national wellbeing depends on him being fired. Julian Robinson, who regularly cycles, is the only one who admitted his mistake and issued a swift public apology.

A man who recognises his mistakes when wrong is wise. I know that it takes superior insight for a man to admit mistake when he’s right. He who can do that is ... married!

Peace and Love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com