Tony Deyal | Laughter is the best for learning (and liming)

The mix of humour and hard-core journalism helps writers to get a sense of what and why it is important. How many jokes in a column is the problem. For me, it is the subject that people think about. For example, “What type of blood does a proofreader have?” Type O. “Why don’t escaped convicts make good writers?” Because they never finish their sentences. One I like as really funny is, “A good line edit is its own reword.” Here’s another, “I once asked this literary agent what writing paid the best, and he said, “ransom notes”. And one of my favourites, “What do you call a writer who doesn’t follow the rules of sentence structure?” A rebel without a clause. This is also a nice mix, “Why are writers always cold?” They’re surrounded by drafts.

Here’s a few more to give us a sense of what the writers about writers like. This one is how best to understand the difference between the two types, “A hungry lion roamed through the jungle looking for his next meal when he came upon two men. One man was sitting under a tree reading a book. The other man was writing in a notebook. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writer’s cramp.” Right now, I’m going another mix. Boris Spassky, the Russian grandmaster, was once asked by a reporter, “What do you get when you cross a writer with a deadline?” He replied, “A really clean house.” And to end it, “A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.”

Ernest Hemingway was a great writer and spoke as a reader with, “There is no friend as loyal as a book.” and “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” Some of the great US writers had some things to say and jokes to play. First was Golda Meir, Israel’s first and only female head and prime minister of government, with, “Don’t be so humble - you are not that great.” American humourist Mark Twain was beyond humble to tell someone, “I did not attend his funeral, but sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” The great Ellen DeGeneres, who often said, “Seriously ... I’m kidding”, told everyone, “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” Jerry Seinfeld, the American stand-up comedian, asked the question, ““If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” and the great Will Rogers, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” Bill Cosby, the humourist, told them all, “A word to the wise aren’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.”

As I head toward my 80th birthday on August 10, I have been trying really hard for several years now to get a few writers and columnists to get help to do the mix of hard core and humour. However, this has not happened. I was lucky to find a female writer who can laugh as much as, or more, than me. Her name is Debbie Matthews. She was born laughing, thinking, writing, writing, reading and learning. Her most recent work includes the short story Teet From Teet, which was shortlisted for the Commonwealth Short Story Prize in 2023. This is how it went:

In June 2016, there was a report in the Trinidad Express headlined ‘There is A Bull Walkin Around the City’, which presented the incredulous eyewitness account of a Brother H. He swore that, at 5 a.m., a bull sauntered down the hill from the Raza Yoga Centre where he lives (Brother H, the animal was a visitor) only for him (the animal, not Brother H) to meander peacefully through the early morning traffic on Pointe-à-Pierre Road and be out of sight by 6 a.m.

Three things suggest that the bull’s visit to the yoga centre was a successful one:

1. Taking an hour to walk down a hill, however steep, is the mark of one in deep mediation.

2. He was apparently unbothered by the early maxi/taxi drivers hustling for near somnambulist passengers, eager to pull their trips through thick morning traffic. Traipsing through without saying ‘moo’? In Sando? Surely only zen can guarantee that!

3. By the end of the article, Brother H was calling the bull a bison. To transcend is to transform! Nirvana is such a funny thing, eh? You never are what you expect to be when you arrive there.

Even curiouser, according to this news story, the bull come bison was only seen by Brother H. The mayor, when contacted by the Express, could not readily attest that his burgess (who happened to be an enlightened beast of burden) existed. To date, I do not believe for a minute that this “bul/ison” was an apparition – as was Marley to Scrooge an undigested bit of beef, violent or culinary. Brother H saw what he saw.

None of us should act as though a bull where we least expected it to be is that strange of an occurrence in Trinidad. We are all wary of letting them into China shops, and we know that, when they are raging, they might throw the odd teacup. Perhaps this work “bul/ison was heading to City Hall to (and have a polite word with the persons selling liberally (and quite literally) his stock in trade to all that have ears to hear but not enough sagacity to sift sense from sand. To do business at any government office, you have to get there well before it opens, and at the animal’s rate of walking, he would have gotten there from Pointe-à-Pierre Road in time to line up on the Promenade to, as soon as the doors opened at 8 a.m., either wait to be heard, or to deposit fresh weight to be used.

The following day, another Express headline announced: “The Bull Has Left the CITY.” The mayor municipal police, and representatives of the public health department, all scoured Sando/s streets and they could find no trace of Brother H’s bull. Did we all miss his final ascension? Is he on his way to Parliament to accept an offer to continue using his offal? Royalties are indeed owed, if the browning tips of the tongues of most who are rooted there are any indication of usage.

Losing a bull in a city is serious thing: so much is at stake! If you see him walking purposefully along, say namaste to wish him peace as he goes along his journey to ... .

Tony Deyal always knew that a “bull” was a four-letter word! Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com