Gordon Robinson | The essence of compatibility

Over in Apocrypha, our favourite fantasyland beyond the clouds where all politicians are friends, the talk was all about football.

The Apocryphan national football team had just blown what seemed a glorious chance to qualify for the World Cup and its big name international coach quit. Football Apocrypha Federation (FAF) President Mikecant Pickit was so distraught he decided to consult Oma. Regular readers remember former politician, Oma D’unn, who gave advice on political dilemmas by parable then opened a Consultancy Firm named Oma Unsacked.

Suddenly his clientele increased and diversified. Mikecant asked Oma what went wrong and how to do better in future. Oma advised him to buy a pet store. Mikecant was puzzled so Oma told him a story of a drunk and a turtle.

A drunk walks into a pet store and leans heavily on the counter.

“Gimme a shot of Whisky” he slurs.

“I’m sorry, sir,” says the clerk. “You must be mistaken. This is a….”

“Listen I wanna (hic) drink, you can’t tell me what (mumble mumble)!” shouts the drunk, slamming his fist on the counter.

The clerk hands the drunk a little brown turtle. “Please, sir; take this. I hope it will make you happy.” The drunk stares at the turtle, belches, and shuffles out, singing.

The same thing happens the next night. But, on the third night when the Drunk shuffles into the pet store and orders a drink the clerk is ready for him. Having sold the last turtle that same day, the clerk raises his hand. “I’m so sorry, sir, I can’t pour you a drink, but please accept this instead.” He hands the drunk a tiny baby mouse.

The drunk stares at it for a moment “Whassis?”

“It’s a baby mouse. Keep it safe and warm it’ll become your friend.”

The drunk thinks about this then puts the mouse down on the counter. “Don’t wanna mouse,” he says. “Gimme ’nother one of them roast beef sandwiches on a hard roll.”

Mikecant still looked baffled so Oma explained that, if he kept making employment decisions like a drunken sailor with no appreciation for compatibility he’ll forever be unable to achieve his goals.

Oma was proud of his clever pun.

Back home at JamRock, Reggae Boyz just failed to qualify for the World Cup despite benefiting from the luck of the draw putting them in a group with beating stick, Trinidad and Tobago, minnows Bermuda and Curaçao, a country with a population of 158,000 and zero football pedigree. Jamaica Football Federation (JFF) recruited English football coach, Stephen McLaren, whose résumé famously included being fired as England’s football team coach for bad tactics and worse player selection after a year in the job during which England failed to qualify for the Euros.

After McLaren was fired as England’s coach he was hired and fired by a long list of clubs including VfL Wolfsburg; Nottingham Forest; Derby County; Newcastle United; and Queens Park Rangers spending less than a year at each. When JFF hired McLaren in 2024 he’d been unemployed for five years. I immediately tweeted it was a huge mistake and predicted we were going nowhere with him in charge. That prediction had less to do with his dismal résumé and more about my opinion that English football coaches were the world’s worst. McLaren’s record suggested he was the worst of the worst.

Don’t start with me. How many of the top five teams in the EPL are coached by Englishmen?

We just don’t get it in Jamaica. Here we are finally cutting national ties with the British monarchy but hiring an English Football coach!

Really? Seriously?

English style (or lack of same) doesn’t suit Jamaica’s style which is more reliant on creativity, flair and speed. English coaches want their players to kick the ball from defence to the opponent’s penalty area and hope. In this hemisphere we prefer the South American way. A Brazilian coach immersed himself in Jamaican culture and took the Reggae Boyz to the 1998 World Cup. And don’t get me started on the embarrassing over-reliance on English bred and nurtured players. That drove the nail in Jamaica’s World Cup coffin. Jamaica should never forget the national indignity visited upon us by the wooing of the unworthy Mason Greenwood who it seems to me eventually told McLaren to qualify first then call him later.

But, it’s not over. To get in, Reggae Boyz, 70th in FIFA rankings, must beat 149th ranked New Caledonia and 56th ranked Democratic Republic of Congo in Mexico next March. So don’t give up. Support the Boyz all the way.

Meanwhile, heartiest congratulations to Haiti who overcame seemingly insurmountable obstacles to qualify for its first World Cup in 50 years despite not being able to play a single home game.

Now THAT’s character.

Peace and Love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com