The male’s perspective: Infertility and relationships (Pt 1)
Published:Thursday | June 29, 2023 | 1:06 AMAsha Wilks/Gleaner Writer
JAMAICAN MEN in long-term, committed relationships, such as marriage, are being encouraged to show greater patience and compassion towards their female companions who have been recognised as having infertility issues.
As June is celebrated as World Infertility Awareness Month, which aims to increase awareness of the various infertility issues in both men and women across the globe, some Jamaican men have shared with The Gleaner their experiences dealing with infertility and its effects on relationships.
Infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant (conceive) after one year (or more) of unprotected sexual intercourse.
For Peter Taylor*, who has been married for eight years, he and his wife have experienced three blighted ovums, with the second embryo lasting near five months.
“I was at the hospital when we lose the actual child and saw the foetus, so I have flashbacks sometime weh kinda put me in a sad mood,” he explained of the incident which occurred three months ago.
A blighted ovum, also called an anembryonic pregnancy, is one which occurs when a fertilised egg implants in the uterine lining and never develops or stops developing and is instead reabsorbed, leaving behind an empty gestational sac. This causes miscarriage in the first trimester of pregnancy.
Taylor told The Gleaner that he would often question “Why me?” noting that the men in his family were “breeders”, having multiple children and babymothers.
“In light of that, me never too take it so good,” he said, of receiving the news at first that his wife has been having issues, adding that it has always been his dream to become a father.
He stated that he and his wife shared the dream, as they frequently discuss what it would be like to be parents.
Describing himself as a “family person”, Taylor explained he always looked forward to seeing his niece or nephew when they visit his home.
The couple’s psychological well-being, he said, has been impacted negatively. Taylor admitted that the journey has not been without its difficulties, as the idea of not having children still haunts them.
He said that he has found a way to cope somehow, adding that it was helpful to know that he and his wife are both in their early 30s – still within reproductive years.
Studies show that in comparison to younger men, males over 40 years tend to have fewer healthy sperm.
Would never ‘up and leave’
In the case of women, age 30 signifies the beginning of a decline in fertility (the ability to become pregnant). Once a woman has reached her mid-30s, this decline happens more swiftly.
Taylor said that attending church, his wife finding someone to confide in, and them praying together have also helped them to cope. He added that he would never “up and leave his wife like that”.
“There is already a stigma attached to these things. I mean, when you reach certain age and you nuh have nuh children there is already a stigma,” he said, sharing that every Father’s Day, he is “teased” by his younger brothers and male friends, being referred to as ‘gelding’ – a term meaning a castrated horse or other equine, such as a donkey or a mule.
The phrase has long been used in Jamaican society to refer to men who have not been successful in getting a woman pregnant, or those who have not fathered any children.
While he claimed that he had not taken the comments “too personally”, he did say that he could not begin to imagine how his wife must be feeling when Mother’s Day approaches. So he tries to avoid bringing it up in order to prevent her from having a breakdown.
Taylor explained that after a couple has experienced the freedom of not having a child, being able to travel the world and engage in other adult recreational activities, returning home from a day of work and not having “a likkle toddler to run up and down in the house and make up likkle noise or give you a reason to smile sometime, or give you a reason to have one less argument ... [has felt] unfulfilling”, he explained.
Nonetheless, he wishes to advise men to “handle the matter with sensitivity”.
Similarly, John Brown*, who has been married for 15 years, informed The Gleaner that as couples go through their own unique circumstances, men must not help to “tear down” their wives, because there are already people in society who think less of her because she has issues conceiving.
“Don’t subscribe to society ... your relationship is your relationship, so try to be the comforter for your partner going through that situation, because she would no doubt be torn up about it,” he said.
He reasoned that women will also feel “incomplete” when they are unable to have children, and that as “the vow did say ‘for better or for worse’, you have to give and take, you have to be understanding,” he said. Brown added that if the roles were reversed, how would the men wish for the woman to act towards them.
Blocked tubes
Brown told The Gleaner that his wife found out that she had fibroids very early on in their marriage. Though she later removed it and was given the go-ahead from the doctor to try to conceive, it became seemingly impossible. For one year, the couple had undergone a series of testing at various institutions to locate the issue.
But it was later discovered that both his wife’s fallopian tubes were blocked, and they did not recommend removing the blockage due to her age (near 50 years).
Brown confessed that the infertility complications his wife is facing has not been a deal-breaker for him, but that it has been difficult for his wife to come to terms with the possibility of their union not producing a child.
“I am not going to live my life in a hole, moping over not being able to have a child, while precious moments of enjoyment, fellowship, fun is being passed by,” he said.
But his wife’s emotional and psychological state have been negatively impacted and she has not been receptive to conversations surrounding alternative methods of having children, such as adoption, surrogacy, or fostering. And despite attending counselling sessions, she has not come to terms with not having children.
He said that he would always try to console her and ensure to support her by reassuring that all things will be okay.
“I’ve never implied or shown that I want a child and she is not producing, so I’m going to leave her or step out,” he said, reasoning that because he was from a large family, he was content with not having children.
For those men who would have gone into their relationships and marriages expecting to have children but have been hit with the news that their wife has fertility issues, Brown advises them to seek counselling and surround themselves with positive people, as it helps with going through the situation.
“If ya go have somebody weh a go cuss out seh ‘you cya breed’ and every day ya hear it, you done a cuss yourself and then them a cuss you; and then if your partner a cuss you, the next thing you might hear say the person commit suicide,” he added.
*Names changed.