Clueless couples failing to prepare for marriage

A family law practitioner is noting an increase in shorter-term marriages that last two to five years, with the root issue being that many couples are taking their vows without understanding what marriage truly entails.

“They (couples) may just get excited about the wedding and not think about the marriage,” the attorney told The Gleaner. “So, when things pop up during the marriage which may cause a challenge, they’re not willing to work on it.”

The comments by the attorney, who wished not to be identified, to protect her clients, follow a study by the Registrar General’s Department that revealed that marriage rates are declining while divorces are increasing, with more Jamaicans showing a growing disinterest in marriage.

According to the attorney, for many who decide to get married, the focus on choosing a dress and wedding location overshadows the importance of seeing eye to eye with their partner.

Emotional Disconnection

Reverend Trevor Edwards, who has led a divorce recovery initiative since 2000 called the Fresh Start Programme, highlighted that couples absolutely must invest in premarital preparations. Infidelity, financial constraints and even incompatibility are the most common reasons for divorce, he said.

For many people who do trust in marriage and go through with the process, they are unable to handle conflict resolution, and this leads to an emotional disconnection.

“If they can’t handle conflict, they grow apart. And when that happens, one or both seek companionship elsewhere. Sometimes, there is trauma in the relationship and these two people may not have recovered from it, such as the loss of a child,” he added.

Financial Oppression

Another reason for the break-up of marriages, the attorney said, is unclear financial responsibilities.

“If one person is working hard and the other is just spending, or if one partner has greater financial resources, it changes the balance of power. The person with more financial resources may oppress the other, or the one earning less may feel resentment,” she said.

Both experts agree that it is absolutely necessary to discuss finances, as well as how possessions and responsibilities are to be shared, before taking the plunge.

Meanwhile, Edwards currently assists divorcees in healing and recovering from their marriages through the Fresh Start Programme.

Divorce is like Death

For many, he said, divorce feels like death, as it is in fact a loss, and people go through stages of grief, anger, depression, and even guilt.

Kibibi Thomas, currently separated and awaiting divorce finalisation, shared her experience and the emotional challenges she faced while being part of the programme.

“The most difficult emotional challenge has been the loss of a dream of the family and life you worked for many years to build and maintain. Coming to terms with the fact that this dream is unfulfilled, that you no longer have a partner to do life with, and that your kids will not grow up with their father [in the home], and whatever joint financial strength you had as a couple no longer exists is difficult. It is definitely a loss to grieve, and to spend time getting over, before you can rebuild a new life,” she said.

Looking back on her marriage, she admitted that there were some things she wishes she had done differently.

“I would have spent more time getting premarital counselling together, and as an individual on my part. Our counselling was not as comprehensive as it could have been. It would have been prudent to talk with older persons who had formed blended families, since I was getting into one, my former spouse having had kids before he met me.”

Closure and a Fresh Start

However, as she waits for the divorce to be finalised, she said there are more positives to her divorce now. The upside, she said, is that she is able to heal and support her children. But, on the flip side, she feels like the grief phase is lasting too long. Currently, all she desires is closure and a new life.

As she awaits the divorce, she garners support from family, friends, church, and even through counselling.

“A special period of note was when I participated in starting a divorce recovery small group at church for men and women, and later was trained and became a small group facilitator. It was a joy to see others receive some of the help I had received.”

Thomas now understands that marriage needs more than just love.

Love Is Not Enough

“When I got married in my 20s, I had an elevated view of the power of love and attraction. Now, I have a view that holds many other things as important … such as joint commitment and mutual support for each one’s daily faith walk, and both parties practising life skills. Although my views are different now, I still believe in the institution of marriage, and the benefits it holds for the couple and the children in the household,” Thomas said.

Notably, Edwards met his second wife through his programme. Like Thomas, he prioritised healing before he pursued a new relationship, eventually marrying his wife, Sharon, nine years later.

Marriage is a Marathon

For younger people who are reluctant to get married, Edwards emphasises preparation.

“You spend basically three years studying for a degree, yet people hesitate to invest time in premarital counselling. Marriage isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon.”

Whether through premarital counselling or divorce recovery programmes, both experts have agreed that sound preparation and emotional readiness are key to making marriages last.

mickalia.kington@gleanerjm.com