Be responsive versus reactive: Your child will be the better for it!

SOME YEARS ago I attended a conference at which one of the presenters made a simple but very profound comment. I have found myself referencing this comment time and time again in the subsequent years. This presenter made reference to the difference between being responsive to a child’s behaviour versus being reactive. Of course, I cannot recall all the details at the moment, but the differentiation explained really was premised on the definition of these two words. To respond really implies and speaks to thought, consideration of your actions and the impact it will have on the situation. In contrast, when we react to a situation, it speaks more to an almost ‘knee jerk’ or response out of impulse, driven mostly by emotions. In the world of parenting, why is it important to keep this in the forefront of our minds as we take care of and interact daily with our little ones? Truth be told, our children really do and say the strangest of things sometimes, which may lead us to react in a manner that makes us even question ourselves sometimes. Our lives are often filled with or bombarded with so many pressures, that it may feel almost difficult to maintain any semblance of control. However, it is so critical for us to train ourselves to be responsive to our children’s behaviours and needs, because they will truly be the better for it.

CONSCIOUS PARENTING

In a couple articles back, I spoke to conscious parenting and described the conscious parent as one who is mindful and purposeful in their interactions with their children and who is aware that every word and action has long-lasting effects. This is indeed the essence of being responsive in the moment, being mindful, being aware. When we are reactive, we tend to act on our emotions in response to our children’s behaviour. This usually means yelling, shouting, getting very annoyed and frustrated. If we are real with ourselves, this usually does not end well! Our children usually respond in one of two ways – they either cower in fear or they end up matching our own reaction. Either way, nobody wins. I often tell teachers and parents that we teach our children how to respond to us. A parent who is responsive, thoughtful in their actions and words towards their children, loving and caring in their responses, will often get a lot more out of their children compared to those who are always reacting and high on emotions.

Human beings are driven by emotions – whether it is joy, fear, anger, frustration, contentment, excitement. However, it is very important not to allow our emotions to control our actions. Our children watch us, they learn from us how to respond to situations that they may come across. We are modelling behaviours even when we are not aware of it. Albert Bandura’s Social Learning Theory has taught us that children learn and even pick up attitudes through observation. Some children even develop fears/phobias as a result of observing those around them and how they respond or react to certain stimuli, persons, etc. As such, there is much research that speaks to the fact that even prejudice is learnt and not inherent.

POSITIVE PARENTING in practice

As a parent myself, of a tween nonetheless, I would never imply that this is an easy feat! However, what it takes is being conscious, putting into practice the tenets of conscious parenting, which results in positive parenting. When we are responsive parents, we make every effort to take into consideration who our child is and try to respond with empathy and understanding, trying to teach them what they need to cope. Responsive parenting requires mindfulness – being able to calm our minds and bodies when responding to a possibly stressful or agitating situation. It requires consciously making the choice to not just react to what we are feeling, but choosing a response that will be beneficial not only for our children, but also for us as the parent. The hope is that, through being a responsive parent, our children will also learn how to be responsive in their own actions and not reactive. So, when they, too, come across potentially upsetting situations, they will know how to calm themselves and respond in a rational and controlled manner. Parenting can be challenging, but it takes very deliberate thought and practice to accomplish the aim I believe we all have as parents – that is, to be the very best parent to our children that we can be!

Kellie-Anne Brown Campbell is a licensed associate school psychologist and principal at McCam Child Care and Development Centre. Send feedback to schpsychkabc@gmail.com.