Getting along when college grads move back home

NEW YORK (AP):

Moving back home after college can be a mixed bag—some grads do it to save money or enjoy family comfort, while for others it’s a tougher choice. Things might feel different though, with everyone adjusting to new roles and dynamics. If you’re a recent grad or a parent in this situation, you’re definitely not alone. Starting with respect and maturity, plus having a clear plan, can make the transition smoother. Here are some tips to help make it work.

SET CLEAR EXPECTATIONS EARLY

Richard Ramos, a parenting trainer and author of Parents on a Mission, urges parents and their young adult children to break from their traditional roles.

For parents, shift from authority to ally.

“You’re no longer parenting a teenager. You’re relating to an emerging adult. Move from ‘manager’ to ‘mentor’;’Offer guidance, not control. Maintain your home as a launchpad, not a landing strip for them to get too comfortable in,” he says.

Grads, come home with humility.

“You may have a degree, but you’re still under your parents’ roof,” Ramos says. “Show appreciation. Contribute to the household. Asking before assuming you can simply take shows your growth as a young adult. Honour the space they’ve made for you.”

DRILL DOWN TO SPECIFICS

As a counsellor and parent, Veronica Lichtenstein knows firsthand what Ramos means. Her 26-year-old son has been living at home for two years since graduation to save money for his first house.

“I’ve learned that clear, collaborative boundaries are the foundation of harmony,” she says.

Lichtenstein has lots of practical advice, starting with a “living contract” created cooperatively.

“His proposed terms became the starting point for negotiation. This empowered him to take ownership while ensuring mutual respect. The final signed agreement covered everything from chores to quiet hours,” she says.

Common areas must be left clean, for example, and advance notice is required if he plans group gatherings.

“Emphasis that this is a temporary, goal-oriented arrangement,” Lichtenstein says. By that, she means, we are happy to support you for 12 months while you save X dollars.”

Regular check-ins keep everyone accountable.

CRYSTALISE CHORES AND SHARED RESOURCES

Amy McCready is the founder of PositiveParentingSolutions.com and author of The Me, Me, Me Epidemic — A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World.

She suggests setting expectations when it comes to shared resources.

“If they’ll be driving your vehicle, be clear about when it’s available, who pays for gas or maintenance, and what responsibilities go with the privilege,” McCready says. “Use ‘when-then’ phrasing to keep things respectful and direct: When your responsibilities are done, then the car is available.”

If conflict arises, it’s often because everyone reverts to old roles and old rules, she says. “Pause and ask, ‘Are we interacting like we did when they were 17?’”

Then reset with intention.

WHAT ABOUT SPECIAL GUESTS?

Parents need to decide if they’re comfortable with romantic partner visits for their adult children living at home. McCready notes that overnight stays can be tricky.

“If overnight visits aren’t something you’re OK with, it’s completely appropriate to set that boundary,” she says. “You might say, ‘We’re so glad you’re here, and we want everyone to feel comfortable. For us, that means no overnight guests while you’re living at home.’”

Parents can ask to be told ahead of time if their grad plans to sleep elsewhere.

PARENTS, BE CAREFUL NOT TO JUDGE

Eric Wood, director of the Counseling & Mental Health Center at Texas Christian University, says parents should check in on their frustrations over the new living scenario. Their graduate might feel embarrassed and worry that they’re a burden.

“Don’t judge, especially with the current job market and recent global events. It’s important not to be critical of a graduate who must return home,” he says. “Just like we advise incoming college students not to rush into a certain academic major, it’s more important not to rush into an entry career position. Establishing a solid trajectory for a successful and happy career is the priority.”