I hate sex and I can’t even tell my husband why!

I hate sex and I can't even tell my husband why!

Dear Joan,

I was raped in my late teens and it was a traumatic experience for me. I have never sought counselling because I felt too ashamed and I didn't want anyone to know what happened to me. I honestly thought I could put it behind me and move on with my life, but the truth is, it is still affecting me.

For a long time, I had nothing to do with men. Some even thought I was a lesbian, but I didn't care. Then I met the man, who is now my husband. From the get-go he was different. He was so tender, gentle and he never pressured me about sex. In fact, he waited until our wedding night for us to have sex. He doesn't suspect, but I had to draw on all my acting skills to please him through the whole lovemaking session. I had to pretend I was enjoying it. I hate it! Sometimes he wants to make love and I cook up one excuse after another. I am now feeling guilty because I know he truly doesn't understand. He is a good man and I don't want to lose him. Please tell me what to do, Joan.

- P.M.

Dear P.M.,

If your husband is that wonderful, understanding person who you described, then you can talk to him. It is better that you confide in him and tell him what happened to you so many years ago than for him to form the wrong impression.

You don't want a third party in your relationship, and that's the road you are heading for if you continue to deny your husband.

Don't put it off any longer. Upon reading this, the minute your husband gets home, or if he is there now, tell him you want to have a talk with him.

In fact, you can even show him this column and tell him you didn't know how to approach him about what happened to you. As best as you can, tell him about the way you feel, the way the rapist made you feel. I think your husband might even surprise you in his response. It is not too late for you to get counselling. If you feel uncomfortable, ask your husband to accompany you. Sex was meant to be enjoyed, not endured.

- Joan

Ready for a relationship but just too shy

Dear Joan,

I am now in my late 20s and am ready to have a serious relationship. I am still a virgin as I was more interested in my schoolwork and spared little time to explore any relationships. Honestly, though, every time I think of getting into a relationship, I get cold feet. Some of my church brothers sometimes approach me about dating, but I shrug it off or just find one excuse or another. I know many of them think that I am stuck up, or look down on them, but I am just plain shy and feel awkward about taking that next step in exploring the possibilities.

How can I be more outgoing and stop sending negative signals?

- H.L.

Dear H.L.,

Congratulations on maintaining your standards - focusing on book before taking on a serious relationship.

Believe it or not, you are not the only person who is shy when it comes on to relationships.

One thing I can tell you, it helps when you go on dates in groups. That way, you eliminate the one-on-one interaction, you get to learn about your date by watching how he blends in with others, and you don't have to feel self-conscious as others are keeping the conversation flowing.

Besides, it's also safer to go out in a group. There is less opportunity for things to get too intense, putting you both in the way of temptation.

When you have found the one that tugs at your heart strings, believe me, it will all come natural. You won't have to force conversation and you won't be self-conscious. Everything will just flow. For now, forget about finding 'the one' and enjoy going out with your church brothers in groups, attending gospel concerts, socials or just hanging. Chances are, the one for you is not even a member of your church!

- Joan

n Do you have an issue in the Church and need guidance? Send questions to familyandreligion@gleanerjm.com.