Tue | Jan 31, 2023

DOCTOR'S ADVICE: Selfish boyfriend

Published:Sunday | March 21, 2010 | 12:00 AM

I am thinking of marrying a very handsome man who says he loves me. I think I love him.

But the problem is this: Doctor, he seems to have no interest in giving me pleasure in bed. We have sex three or four times for the week, and on every occasion it's the same. He just charges in without any kind of preliminary caressing or kissing.

Then he thrusts away for about 10 minutes until he is ready to discharge. And that is that!

It does not seem to worry him that I have not orgasmed so I end up feeling very frustrated.

Doctor, I am ashamed to admit that there have been nights when I was so frustrated that I went to the bathroom and masturbated until I climaxed.

I know very well what I need because I was in two very good relationships when I was younger. In both of those, my partner would stimulate my clitoris until he was sure that I was happy and satisfied.

I have asked my boyfriend to pay some attention to my clitoris, but he just sniffed disdainfully and said, "That doesn't do anything for me, my sweet." He will not touch it.

He once told me that he does not care whether I have an orgasm or not. I cried when he said this.

What can I do, Doctor? Is there any hope of changing his attitude? He is 32.

A I would have thought that by this age he would have learnt a little more about women. This man is very ignorant.

I find it appalling that he does not consider your needs and is just interested in his own pleasure. What he is doing is selfish.

You have told him clearly what you require, but he refuses to touch that organ. Maybe he has some severe hang-ups about putting his fingers on it.

You could make one last attempt to save this relationship by asking him to go with you to see a counsellor.

But if he will not agree, I feel that you should cut your losses and tell him goodbye.

I do appreciate that you have some feelings of love for him, but surely you do not want to spend the rest of your life being treated this way. There are a lot of men who would treat you with respect, and who would be happy to make sure that you are satisfied in bed.

In fact, you have already met two such men, so you know that they exist.

Q Doctor, please answer a question that I have been thinking about for a while. Does penile exercise really grow your penis? Does it build up the muscles in the organ?

A What many people do not realise is that there are no muscles in the male organ. However, the penis is attached to various muscles deep inside the body, which form part of the pelvic floor.

These are the muscles with which one can stop the flow of urine. They can also make the male organ twitch.

Exercising these muscles does build them up, even though you cannot see them. That is thought to be good for a man's sexual and urinary health, especially as he gets older. However, there is no way in which exercises can make the phallus grow.

Q I have used the morning-after pill three times in the last year. Will this hurt my health?

A I do not know of any research that shows that repeated use of the post-coital pill (to give it its correct name) is harmful.

But it seems to me that you should be wiser and use a reliable method of regular contraception, rather than repeatedly relying on an emergency pill.

Q I am a 33-year-old female. When I was a teenager I led a very promiscuous life. Now I am reformed.

But is it true that a woman who has slept around is more likely to get cancer of the cervix?

A I am afraid that is true. Sleeping around makes you more likely to be exposed to the human papillomavirus, which is the main cause of cervical cancer.

However, be of good cheer. As long as you have regular Pap smears, you will almost certainly be OK. Pap smears pick up the early changes of cancer long before the disease can produce any symptoms. So if such changes do appear in your smear, it is almost certain that you could be cured.

Q On a recent visit to England, I encountered a clinic where they offered me a vasectomy. I am thinking about having it done when I go back.

But would this operation make me lose my 'nature'?

A That is very unlikely, unless you had some big psychological hang-up. Vasectomy is a good way of limiting your family, and I wish that more men would choose it.

Q I am a 54-year-old female who still looks very young and (I am told) very attractive.

Doctor, I have to admit that I do have a few regular boyfriends, plus an 'occasional' man who flies in from abroad.

Am I right in thinking that at my age I could not get a sexually transmitted infection (STI)?

A No, I am afraid that you are completely wrong. Recent research has shown that quite a few women and men over 50 have caught STIs because they thought that they were somehow immune to such infections.

Please take great care with your health. If you are going to continue with these relationships, I urge you to use condoms.

Q My husband and I sometimes like to make love in the shower. Is this at all dangerous, Doctor? A friend told me that a woman could be harmed by water getting into her body.

A A lot of women have this fear. However, I have spoken to several gynaecologists about the matter, and they all say that there is no danger in making love in a shower, bath or pool.

Q My wife and I have reached the age where we need a little lubrication to help us in bed.

But is it true that there are some lubricants that are dangerous?

A No. I think that what you are talking about is the fact that some petroleum-based lubricants can compromise condoms and other rubber contraceptives, and make holes in them. The best known of these is Vaseline.

But 'purpose-designed' vaginal lubricants are fine, except that in very rare cases they might provoke an allergic reaction. However, I have never seen a case of such an allergy.

You can get a list of reliable lubricants by checking with your doctor.

Email questions and comments to editor@gleanerjm.com. You can also read Doctor's Advice in the Saturday Gleaner.