Golding the lily

Tony Deyal, Gleaner Writer

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. If wishes were airlines, beggars would fly - most likely on Air Jamaica where the champagne flights and friendly flight attendants were legendary. However, in its 42-year history Air Jamaica lost US$1.24 billion. On the other side of the Caribbean Sea, as the Jamaica Observer revealed, "In 2007, the Trinidadian government spent US$250 million to wind up BOWIE and then another US$100 million to set up Caribbean Airlines."

Now that Caribbean Airlines (CA) has paid US$50 million to take over Air Jamaica's 'profitable' routes, the question is, who is being wound up and who is being set up? More, since Jamaica is the land of 'jerk', it is not merely the question of who is being jerked off or around but the fact that this is no jerking matter.

I hold no brief, boxer or bra for anyone. In fact, given my sentimental attachment to Air Jamaica and to Jamaica itself, I am glad to see that the Government has been able to get rid of a millstone and milestone simultaneously. If any gilding or Golding of the lily took place that is not my problem, although it will eventually become a problem for the T&T taxpayers and Jamaican travellers. What interests me, as someone whose career involves both spin and semantics, is how you can have profitable routes on an airline that lost US$1.24 billion and, if you had profitable routes, why didn't you stick to those and eschew the ones that were not? Maybe it can be expanded into an epic of biblical proportions called 'The Story of Route'.

The question is: given that Air Jamaica's London route was already sold to Richard Brandon's airline, did CA come in like a Virgin destined for sacrifice? What many Trines believe is that the present prime minister of Trinidad and Tobago (now facing an election), Patrick Manning, is so intent on, and obsessed with, getting his own private jet that having been denied one little plane he has decided to show who's boss by buying an entire airline. However, I still take my cue from Madonna and instead of "Don't cry for me Argentina", I will suggest we move from the depths of Vita to the heights of Levity and sing, "Don't cry for me Air Jamaica" while noting that someone, somewhere, has been stiffed.

What I want to warn Jamaicans about is that in dealing with, or flying on CA, there are many negatives that will offset the cash injection of US$50 million and the 16 per cent shareholding.

The first is a mindless and mind-numbing commercial with which CA continues to bombard and batter its passengers. CA is the only airline in which I have ever flown that does not give you an opportunity to escape. It uses the public address system, which is supposedly reserved for messages from the crew, to broadcast an extended commercial disguised as a cultural feature at least 15 minutes long but which feels like an eternity. Even once it is too much to bear. Bet your life that it is coming your way.

Mileage programme

Be careful with any mileage programme offered by CA. Contrary to what its ads claim, Caribbean Miles don't bring smiles, they bring endless frustration. The last time I flew from Jamaica I tried to get an upgrade with the miles that I have. I was told that the class of ticket I had bought did not permit an upgrade. My question was: "Why didn't you tell me that before?" It was a rhetorical question and my long experience with the airline led me to expect exactly what I got - no answer.

Another time I was told that I had to register for an upgrade long in advance even though the plane on which I travelled had an almost empty First-Class Cabin. Many years ago, when I lived in Trinidad, I was suckered into flying BOWIE by believing it was a 'national' airline. History showed me that it was, and continues to be, merely an employment agency for the party in power. I am sure that some of the same people who bankrupt BOWIE are around Air Jamaica calling the shots in the dark. I have learnt, as many Jamaicans will soon discover, never fly CA unless you have absolutely no choice and, even then, it might be worthwhile postponing your flight.

Watch out, too, for A's other trip-ups and trip-downs. Last week, I had to fly to Tobago and I bought a ticket online. Personal problems prevented me from making the trip so I sought to cancel it. I rang the listed '1-800' number repeatedly only to be told it was out of service. I could not get through to the Antigua number (which seemed to be down) and the Trinidad number was perpetually busy. I eventually persuaded a travel agent colleague to help. If you fly CA, check out its in-flight magazine, Caribbean Beat, which claims in big red writing, "Entertainment: Some things in life are FREE" and goes on to say, "Movies and radio are complimentary. Go ahead and plug in the headset provided by Caribbean Airlines ...". You won't find any headsets on the way to or from Jamaica. If they treat you like that now, what happens when they're large and in charge?

The final thing is pray that your flights are never ever switched to Pierce Airport in Trinidad. BOWIE and the airport have security that convert every day into Saturday night the way "everybody come feel up, feel up". Worse, it is their very obvious enjoyment in rubbing you down that rubs it in. I am sure the guards will take even more pleasure in feeling up Jamaicans than they do Guyanese and people of East Indian descent. Come to Trinidad and you will be in for a touching experience. Worse, you can't complain because you own 16 per cent of the airline which, given that Mr Manning announced he is planning to buy LIT, will be worth less than a Jamaican or Guyanese dollar in the years to come.

Tony Deal was last seen saying that if in the Manly days oil money passed through Trinidad like a dose of salts, now in the Manning days it is passing through like a jet plane.